Berlin

 

I’ve had a sore throat now for ten days.

 

Cologne Carnival

 

I kept thinking it would go away on its own, but my glands have become so swollen, I look like I have a double chin.

 

Berlin

 

On second thought, maybe I actually do have a double chin. I have been eating a lot of bread and cheese this past month. I guess I will solve the mystery (whether I’m swollen or just fat) once this sore throat goes away. Assuming it does go away.

 

Cologne Carnival

 

The sore throat greeted me the morning of Ash Wednesday, along with a fever and body aches. How appropriate that I should come down with the flu on the official day for repenting one’s sins. However, I don’t believe in divine punishment. I believe in divine guidance. I believe in the body’s ability to always show us what path we need to take towards greater healing.

 

Cologne Carnival

 

While my lack of sleep, excessive drinking, and extreme exposure to germs during Carnival undoubtedly triggered this illness, I also recognize the interconnection between physical and emotional ailments.

 

Berlin

 

As a yoga teacher and Reiki practitioner, I study subtle anatomy, and the way that imbalances in energetic pathways can cause illness in the mind, body, and spirit. In yogic tradition the chakras, energy centers in the body, correspond to different body parts and emotions. While we have thousands of chakras, most of us are only familiar with the key seven, beginning from the base of the spine and moving up to the crown of the head.

 

Berlin

 

Whenever I notice chronic physical pain, I consider its corresponding chakra and the emotional imbalances that can accompany it. My physical pain this time, a sore throat, was a textbook example of an imbalance in the throat chakra.

 

Berlin

 

Aside from the physical anatomy of the throat, the glands, and the neck, the throat chakra connects with our ability to express ourselves verbally and creatively. Typically I find that my throat chakra is overactive. I’m chatty and at times indiscreet. I’ve even been accused of having a big mouth. It’s no wonder as a child I was a theater actress and as an adult I’m a writer. I’ve always been expressive.

 

Berlin

 

But ever since the sore throat came on, I feel creatively and expressively repressed. In the last ten days, since the sickness set in, I haven’t posted anything on the blog either. I’ve been working on an article about Carnival this entire time, but I haven’t been able to finish it. I feel more creatively blocked than I have in as long as I can remember.

 

Cologne Carnival

 

In my practice of expressing myself as authentically as possible, lately I wondered if I scared people. I wondered if by sharing what I consider magic, other people think I’m delusional. I wondered if by connecting the synchronicities I witness around me as something beyond coincidence, people perceive me as obsessive or overly analytical.

 

Berlin

 

And perhaps I am. But I’d rather live in a world where everything I do means something than in a world where nothing means anything. I’d rather free fall into a deep abyss than sit in shallow water.

 

Berlin

 

The morning I woke up with the sore throat, I remembered that not all people are this way. And it made me feel insecure and naked. So I quieted down. In real life, and on the blog.

 

Carnival Cologne

 

I guess I’m afraid to finish writing about Carnival. I’m afraid because I discovered so much it’s hard to know what to say. It’s hard to know what’s appropriate to share, what’s not appropriate to share, what I even want to share, who may or may not read it, and the more time passes, it’s hard to know what really happened and what only happened in my own mind. It’s hard to know if any of it even matters anymore.

 

Berlin

 

But I also know that the only way to unblock myself, the only way that I’ve ever known to unblock myself, is to write. I have to write.

 

Blame it on My Throat - 15

 

I have to write because it’s the only hope I ever have in letting this sore throat finally go away. I have to write because it’s the only hope I ever have in letting anything go away.

 

More to come.

 

 

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Hello beautiful soul,
In August 2018 I stopped blogging as This American Girl. You can now find me at my new website camillewillemain.com! Hope to see you there xx
Love, Camille