The more I develop my intuition, the more I notice myself relying on it to feel like I’m in control.
“Yep, I knew that was going to happen. “
“I dreamed about this already, no surprise there.”
“This is just that vision I had in meditation coming true.”
“My intuition is so spot on it scares me,” I’ll say.
If I feel lost, I read my horoscope, pull a deck of tarot cards, go in for a Reiki session, or sit with the full moon. While I treasure each of these practices deeply, it’s interesting to observe how I can use them as devices to avoid risk in life, the same way one might use Trip Advisor to avoid a bad dinner.
Back in October, during a particularly challenging moment, I turned to tarot cards to show me the way. I felt profoundly confused about which trajectory might lead me on a path of greatest learning and greatest healing. I never expected the cards would tell me to go to Europe in the snow.
But they did, and here I am.
Last week I announced that my initial plans, the ones that brought me here to Finland, had changed course. Though I still believed there was a purpose in my coming, I knew it wasn’t to go on a press trip to get a bunch of free stuff. I knew it wasn’t to collaborate on my business or grow my brand. I knew my lesson was rooted much deeper than that.
Messages and signs spoke to me the weeks preceding my departure. It surprised and delighted me how certain they seemed. Not necessarily because of what they promised, rather how they demonstrated the strength of my psyche.
When I landed in Helsinki, that feeling went into overdrive. It grew so strong that I felt butterflies that made it difficult to eat, even in some of the best restaurants in Finland and Estonia.
At the same time, I worked through one of the greatest interpersonal challenges I’ve ever dealt with. I hardly felt prepared for the gifts of the universe, when I was so consumed with frustration regarding my new business partnership.
Before I began living nomadically, I demanded that the people in my life change to suit my needs. Obviously, that never worked. When I left to go traveling, one of the things that gave me freedom, was that I didn’t feel like I needed people or relationships anymore. Being happy alone, away from the challenging behavior of others, was easy.
I traversed the world but lived on a metaphorical island, myself the only inhabitant. I felt safe, but alone.
Through my “crack-your-heart-open-and-let-it-bleed” experiences in Southeast Asia, and my time of deep introspection training at Pavones Yoga Center, I realized that avoiding relationships to avoid being triggered is perhaps the greatest barrier to love that exists. I let my heart get shattered and reassembled the pieces, each time creating greater space to let love in.
And in retrospect, I know that’s why I came to Finland on the premise of a travel and business partnership. I thought I might grow from the challenge of existing alongside another person. A platonic partnership with a friend seemed like the perfect practice for the day I met this one.
Instead I appeared to revert. I behaved childishly and hardly embodied my best self.
Again, I turned to the cards. “Stand by your commitments,” The card read. “Shit”, I thought. The next day I pulled the cards again. “Stand by your commitments,” the card read.
No matter the message on the card, I had to sever my commitment to my travel partner. Ultimately I couldn’t contain my frustration any longer.
Incredibly, once I allowed myself the freedom to be honest, to speak from an authentic loving place while still setting boundaries for what I did and didn’t want, all of that changed.
I could treasure and enjoy the time we had together, because I knew I didn’t have to belong to it. I knew it wasn’t my job to teach him anything, it was my job to learn from him. Embracing that idea, I was able to accept him. I was able to see the perfectness in him.
Then I realized something spectacular. I realized a new meaning of the card. Greater than my commitment to do this trip was my commitment I made to myself three years ago. My commitment to be a happy, loving, joyful force of positivity in the universe. That was the commitment I needed to stand by. Not a clearly incompatible press trip.
Despite the drama, we parted ways with smiles, as friends.
To me, that’s nothing short of a miracle.
The day after I let go of my plan, what I anticipated would happen on this trip, actually happened. Exactly as I knew it would. What I felt and predicted in fact came true. The what, the where, the when, and even the who.
But once it happened, I had no idea what I was meant to do with it. Within a blink the moment passed, and I did the only thing I could: let it go. I remembered that just because my intuition knows something, doesn’t mean I have control over how it progresses.
This outcome confused me. How could it be, that mere days in, I had already fulfilled my entire purpose in coming here? I had already worked through forgiveness in one of its most challenging forms, and met the person I believed I was destined to meet since last May. Could it be that what I was waiting for, was over, already?
It left me wondering, “Ok, so, now what?” “Why am I here?”
And the more I consider this question, the more I realize, that the “why am I here,” is only just beginning. Now is the time to surrender to what I don’t know. To trust that there is a purpose and a path even if my intellectual mind can’t grasp it through visions or dreams or prophecies. When I let go of having the answers, is when my real purpose truly unfolds.
That’s what makes life a mystery.
“I let my heart get shattered and reassembled the pieces, each time creating greater space to let love in.”
cracking open your heart purposefully and letting in the light, making space for new growth, letting it breathe in something fresh…
You seem to be thinking way way too much. Kick back and enjoy yourself and try to stop micro-analyzing everything. Life is not that complicated but all your convoluted deep thinking thoughts sound like they are driving yourself up a wall.
You have a unique window of opportunity to do what you are doing in your life. Take it, chill and stop analyzing all these extraneous details.
I hear ya. And really, that’s what the whole purpose of writing this post was. To show that as much as I can analyze and look for cosmic guidance to everything, at the end of the day life happens. The unpredictable is so much more amazing than the predictable! That’s what I’m practicing on this trip 🙂
Think it is a huge change to go from sunny beaches to cold/snowy city climates. I personally hate cold weather cities (with the exception of the cool vibe of ski towns).
You sound like a warm weather beach girl and felt it was a bit odd for you to explore Scandanavia in the winter (seems easier to navigate in the summer). Is it really hard to adjust to this very different climate?
You’re right, it’s totally odd. Precisely why I decided to do it! To stop running away from the darkness and the cold and to experience it and learn. I think the challenge so far hasn’t so much been the cold, rather being away from nature. Costa Rica can easily turn a person into a wild animal, so aware of how much she needs the smell of flowers and the sight of animals and the energy of the trees. In a few days when I go up to Lapland I’m sure I’ll start feeling the magic again.
I agree w Doug. Just be, stop thinking soooo mich about everything you do and why it is happening. It just is.
Totally, it’s an important practice!
We are all in continual transformation, and when somethings goes away it means that something else is coming…
I really enjoy reading your blog. You are a good writer and you seem like a really genuine and positive person. I just can’t wait to read about your next adventures in Europe! My salutations from France !
Thank you so much Karima! It’s true, we have to enter the darkness of the void to come into the light and see what’s on the other side 🙂
Agree with the others here. You are over thinking – can drive one crazy in cold and dark Finland. Just enjoy the moment. Indeed, you are given a unique opportunity here.
For sure. I have created a unique opportunity for myself, and am grateful for my awesome karma. The post is meant to sort of poke fun at my way of wanting to control things, that at the end of the post, I acknowledge I have no control over. That’s pura vida 😉
Me too, I agree with the others. Maybe you could stop swimming in Lake Camille for awhile, and go swimming in Lake Saimen instead! That will wake you up! Burr…..! And as long we are all chiming in with comments here, I say get the hell out of there and go to Cuba instead! 🙂
I hear you Katy.
Love Love Love this!!!!!! Thank you
Thanks Kristine 🙂
I agree with Doug. Chill out, embrace the surroundings and get back to the basics Try to avoid the negative. Believe in the choices you made – own the outcome… You give us hope, we get to dream because you can feel as you live: “happy – joyous – free”.
Or maybe not
Absolutely. And that’s how the post ends. Realizing that the purpose isn’t what I analyze it to be, it’s opening myself to the mystery and letting it just happen 🙂
Agree with everyone above.
I used to read your blog because I felt it was authentic and well-written. It was fun watching you find your ‘path’ or ‘belonging’.
Now I realize you contradict yourself in every other post and it all just seems like a trainwreck. I hope you get it figured out soon. Live for the moment and stop the overanalyzing. You will feel a stress you never realized possible at that moment.
I hope you enjoy Finland and the cold!
At first your words struck a deep cord within me. Reading them hurt. But then I remembered that they were delivered to me today, to teach me about forgiveness and self compassion. They surfaced wounds that I had to look at. The first step in healing. So I thank you for that.
Hang in there, chica. I like how you think.
Thank you 🙂
p.s We are kindred spirits, in a way; I, too, retired young, got very screwed over by an American man, have been left a reluctant nomad on the planet, and just recently felt the urge to head to Finland. Hehehehe, but can’t leave Guat. until I get a replacement for my stolen passport. I just wanted snow, snow, snow.
Good luck with your passport!!
I don’t think you’re “overthinking”…. Sorry you’re getting all this feedback. I find it hurtful just reading some of the comments here..
I love all your writing, your living, the way your mind operates. Keep going. Keep thinking, keep writing. 🙂
Thank you so much Conni <3 that's nice to hear
Conni, I totally agree with what you said. Camille, my version of life, my life, your life, is simply my version. I love watching, reading, listening to the / you’re adventures as they play out. Thank you so much for sharing this experience, this time, this way of believing with us. I can only speak to you’re ways that intersect mine. Ahh… The questions we have, not only about that existence around us, but also the many opinions we have of our own thoughts & behaviors. Today is now and has been simply a reflection of my perception – thats the only way I can see it! So, “dont leave records in the sun – they warp and wont be good for anyone!”
Thank you Jim, love your insights as always 🙂
Camille, I sense that you might be disappointed in your decisions right now? It happens to the best of us, I am a good example, I actually moved 3 times to Puerto Viejo, each time leaving jobs, selling my vehicles, and furniture, “planning” to stay a lifetime, and each time I only lasted 5 months. Imagine! Very expensive, and very disappointing, each time I felt like I let myself down. It took me many years, and many journeys to finally know where I truly wanted to be or not be. You seem like a very courageous, curious, and honest woman! I so much enjoy your writing. Thank you!
Thank you so much Katy 🙂 I understand, I know many people who have gone through the same thing with Puerto Viejo. It’s my “home”, but I don’t think I could live there permanently. Surprisingly, I don’t regret my decision, rather I feel confused about why I made it. The point of this post was to sort of poke fun at my attempt to control how the trip goes, when the universe always has its own plans. I’m leaning into the mystery of it now. If that makes sense?
Everyone keeps saying you’re over thinking, and it’s true, but wasn’t that the whole point in this post? That you’re aware of your need to know and understand everything and that you’re trying to let go a little more?
I love that you have the ability to self reflect and know yourself on a deeper scale than so many others, even when the realisation isn’t necessarily a positive one, you take it all in your stride and learn from each moment. It’s incredible. You’re incredible and so is your writing.
Keep on keeping on xx
Thank you Amy 🙂 It’s nice to know that you connected with the true sentiment of the post <3
I just have to say, I think that you are so brave to challenge yourself this way, to want to look your challenges in the eye and not running away from them, but eager to want to learn from them. I hope you’ll find the reason to be in Scandinavia soon and in the mean time, enjoy the beauty!
Thank you so much Susanne 🙂 <3
Love reading about your life, and your photos stir up so much emotion. Beautiful <3
I was so happy to ‘coincidentally’ stumble upon your blog, and find a kindred spirit of sorts out roaming the world. I’ve found your blog so inspiring during a time of personal transition, thank you for reminding me what is important in life and giving me the courage to carry on with my path.
Now that your plans are in flux, maybe you can walk the camino de santiago this spring. I hiked the northen/ primitive route of it this past fall, and it was a hugely important step in continuing to crack open my heart and in helping to return my soul to it’s primitive state. I wrote about it in my blog if you want more information, or please feel free to contact me.
Whatever you end up doing, I wish you love and light and all the best things!
Thank you so much for your kind comment Alyssa! I wish you also love and light 🙂 Sent you an email to ask more about Camino de Santiago as it’s on the list 😉 xo
Your posts convey so much wisdom and are always written clearly and beautifully. My mind opens up a little more with each one!
Thank you Nikki, that is such a touchingly kind comment!! <3