It amazes me how quiet the world becomes in the snow.
Like a soft blessing from the heavens hushing our words to help us hear. Masking our understanding of space and surface with a blanket of white uncertainty. Covering what we think we know in a deep yet penetrable layer. We risk breaking through and falling into a hole when we take a step forward.
I wonder what I might discover beneath these fluffy white layers of silence. I wonder what holes I might fall into.
For three years I’ve lived the story of the backpacking beach bum. The girl who abandoned materialism, her career in marketing, her committed relationship, and everything she once thought her life was.
The girl who embodied freedom in every sense of the word. The girl who didn’t need clothes or reliable income or boyfriends or even other people. The girl who didn’t need anything but the freedom to explore the world.
Though over the last year I’ve begun to realize that freedom is much more encompassing than that. Freedom doesn’t come from abandoning, freedom comes from accepting and releasing.
So once again, I made a bold decision and I flew to the Arctic. To feel the same magic that touched me at the ocean in the sunshine, in the darkest, coldest places in the world.
One week ago I landed here in Helsinki, Finland to begin.
Wearing fancy leather boots and cashmere sweaters, makeup and chunky necklaces, rolling a giant suitcase down icy pavement, eating gourmet food in elegant restaurants, meeting with companies and tourism authorities and trying to make a living, doesn’t seem at all like “me”. It doesn’t seem anything like This American Girl. It seems more like the girl I’ve written that I ran away from.
Though miraculously, inside I still feel like me.
Because if there’s one thing I learned from being that girl who booked that first ticket to Costa Rica, it’s that the more I let go of who I think I am, the more I allow myself to be who I really am.
I’m allowing myself to be who I am beyond the layer of egos, whether they be Camille the yoga teacher or This American Girl the nomad or any other personality that the world sometimes sees. No matter “who I am”, I am always me.
Some of you may recall my initial plans for this trip. I had written a story about working on a campaign and traveling with another blogger. After the first day here, I knew that plan wouldn’t work. Despite the months I spent preparing, the many Skype calls, the millions of emails, once the moment arrived, it didn’t feel right.
I tried to make it work for a week, but deeper within I really didn’t want it to. More important than growing my business or making money is my happiness. No matter how my ego changes, that will never change.
Today, I finally found the courage to admit it. I’m surrendering to what is instead of forcing this experience to follow the story I had planned.
I’m still sticking it out in the snow, but I’m doing it on my own. There will be no partnership. There will just be me and the wide-open possibility. A slate as blank as a fresh layer of snow.
Because that’s how I like to travel. And while I don’t want to deny myself a new experience, there’s no sense in denying what I already know I love.
After many months of planning, today feels like starting over. I find myself totally unprepared unsure in which direction to move. This time there may be snow instead of sand, but perhaps this isn’t a different story after all.
Just like every story I’ve ever written, it starts with taking one step forward, out into the unknown.
Wow! Brave. I am considering similar, albeit much later in life. Be well! ~ Matt
Thank you Matt! Remember, there is no time like the present 😉
Beautiful post and photos. Well written as usual. I love how your blog slows me down. I usually skim over the internet. Your page makes me breathe, take a minute and savor the words. I’m sure your new journey will be wonderful and you will handle it with grace as always. Good luck and embrace the beauty of winter. When missing Costa Rica, find an indoor botanical garden to wander in. 😉
Thank you so much for your kind words Sheri. What a phenomenal compliment!
Go girl! Looking forward to hearing about you new adventure.
Thank you!
Sounds like this will be exciting! Always trust the heart 🙂
Thank you so much dear 🙂
good for you! Stick to your guns. The snow is not so bad, either! It has it’s own crazy and wonderful beauty just like the beach and ocean.
Thank you 🙂 I can’t wait to get out into the nature in Lapland!
Wow, do I recognize correctly from the photos – you also went to Tallinn? In case you plan to drop by from Estonia, you can let me know and I’m happy to show you some “hidden places and corners” that tourists usually don’t happen to discover 🙂
Yes I went to Tallinn for a couple of days 🙂 I’m going to write a blog post on it for Monday! Too bad I didn’t write something about it earlier. I LOVE Estonia and definitely want to come back to see more in the summer months!!
It’s awesome that you were able to listen to yourself and make such a huge decision within the first week! I’m sure many others would have stuck it out for longer and been miserable about it. So good for you! As long as you are listening to your gut and to your heart, you won’t go wrong!
Very excited to see where this new adventure takes you!
Thank you sweetheart. I’d love to rendezvous somewhere again one day 😉
Good luck girl! American girl!
Aw thank you Cacinda! I hope you’re well 🙂
Excellent writing, pics. & sharing…You go girl! Happy to share your Blog.
Peace, Love & Light,
Carolann
Thank you so very much! 🙂
The most wonderful thing about your blog (and there is much that is wonderful) is your honesty! I love that you are allowing your heart to be your compass.
Aw thank you Katy. I try. When I was struggling with this decision, I pulled one of my flower cards. It said, “Stand by your commitments.” I thought that meant sticking out with the original plan. Then I realized it went deeper. It meant sticking to my commitment of personal freedom, authenticity and happiness.
Good luck! I’m sure you’ll find your footing soon enough and BRAVO for following your instincts – that’s what I think you’re coming to embody, is how to really, authentically live.
If you’re in Warsaw, say hi to my old stomping grounds – my semester abroad there was the best time ever in my whole life.
Thank you so so much 🙂
Good luck and take care,expensive there….
Thanks Brian 🙂 Still working out sponsorships, just on my own terms.
wasn’t that absolutely obvious in the first place? would’ve surprised me, if your world was turning (for once) not exclusively around yourself.
🙂
You bring back good memories from my travels in Scandinavian countries and Europe. I loved exploring off the beaten paths of many cities and countrysides. Met many interesting people and got to taste life in unique ways. I feel like I’m walking next to you as you write these stories of your journey. Thanks Camille:)
Aw thank you so much! Would love to hear your favorite winter destinations 🙂
I wondered how you would get on travelling with someone else..you are a free spirit and will meet people from all walks of life on this new journey. Have fun! You have to be true to yourself and better to be so at the first step than regret it at the end. x
Hope it was an amicable split though.
Thank you Lucy. Yes super amicable! We’re still here in Helsinki going out to dinner tonight!
Sometimes it’s har “to be yourself” when the conditions are not what we expect, the weather is not so friendly and a hard coat is a real need… and more when you come from the “summer places”…
Congratulations, at least you are trying…
Thank you 🙂
you are the bravest girl I know….stay warm!
Aw thank you Joel! I’m actually super warm! The probably is that my bag is waaayyy to heavy haha.
I was just in Christmas in Helsinki and Tallinn! I totally love those cities and the warm people 🙂 I love to travel too but its really hard with the family commitment. Good Luck!
Thank you 🙂
I really admire you for being committed to being as authentically you as possible. This journey you are on, this journey that you are blogging about and trying to make a living at the same time as, is rare among people in the world. Not many people at all start this journey first of all to the Self and then traverse beyond it. Not many people can be the same inside regardless of sand, snow or other circumstances. This is what makes you so special. Please continue being on this journey, wherever it takes you. Please persist beyond the hits and misses, through stormy seas and calm through to the end destination whatever that may happen to be. Most importantly, please stay true to yourself just as you are now. This is why I like Camille so much. This is why This American Girl is so special.
Matthew, thank you so much for your deeply kind words. I can’t tell you how much they mean to me. Know that you are infinitely special too. <3
I love that you’re being true to yourself and doing what you really want, rather than just going with a plan you don’t feel is working out. Sometimes it’s easier said than done to drop out of a project you had high hopes for. Glad to see you’re enjoying yourself just as much in the dark of winter! Also, that picture of you with the tree put a big smile on my face (even though I prefer palm trees) 😉
Thank you Alex for always being such a source of support here on the blog <3
Hi Camille,
I came across your website as I have come to Costa Rica for two months…at first I only read the blogs that were relevant to my trip but have since delved into your other blogs and I love them… It’s like reading an amazing book… Have you thought about writing a book? I can also see your blog as a really good film! I hope that doesn’t offend you but I think young people need this king of inspiration rather than a lot of the other stuff that’s out there! Thanks for sharing your vulnerability I think that is a beautiful act as it had the ability to really touch people. Love Emily xxxx
Aw thank you so much Emilly!! I have written an ebook, The Ultimate Guide to Costa Rica, which you can buy here:
https://www.thisamericangirl.com/ultimate-guide-costa-rica/
It has many stories and insights in it you won’t find on the blog!
As far as a book about my life, we will see, maybe one day 😉