A follow up to my post The Hardest Part About Coming Home
Yesterday I was hula hooping in my pajamas with my Mom.
I was blending green smoothies for breakfast and driving myself to ecstatic dance.
I was taking steamy showers and snuggling on the sofa with my cat Tom.
I was reading stories to my nephew, sharing yoga with my family, and talking about dreams over dinner.
I was home.
Now I’m sitting on an airplane, an entire ocean away.
Knowing that if I didn’t force myself, I would probably never leave.
Because no matter how much I love to travel, it’s still always so hard to go.
And not because of getting on the airplane, though I fear I’ll die every time we take off or hit turbulent air.
Not because of the weight of my bag on my back, wondering where I’ll sleep that night, and not feeling like I have a home.
Not because I’m bound to butcher foreign languages and sleep in dorms with people who snore.
Not because of the cold showers or the overnight buses or the border scams.
Not because of fearing I’ll run out of money and have nowhere to go.
Not because of getting sick with no one to take care of me.
Not because sometimes I feel alone.
The hardest part of leaving home, is knowing that the people whom I love more than anything in the world, will never be part of the lifestyle that I love more than anything in the world.
That as much as they love and accept me, as proud as they are of me, I know that every time I leave I make it harder for them to understand me.
It’s knowing that the final days and hours and hugs and goodbyes will never be perfect enough to make up for all of the time I spend away.
Realizing that every time I leave, it becomes less and less likely that I will ever call this place home again one day.
And once I find another country to fall in love with, I know that I won’t miss them nearly the way that they miss me.
I know that I can walk away from our struggles and not feel the weight of them anymore.
Which makes me feel selfish.
Yet at the same time, no matter where I am, away from my family, I know that my heart will never be fully whole.
Which makes me feel sad.
But something within me that’s bigger
than countries and boundaries and space and time knows
that I have to keep going
I have to keep moving.
Something bigger
than sadness or worries or fears knows
I have to leave home.
So glad you wrote this when you did.
I’m back home now and I find myself slipping into the comforts and daily routine. Don’t get my wrong, I’m still planning my next adventures but it feels harder. Like I’m ‘forcing’ myself, yet at the same time I know I must go because I could never make a life for myself in my hometown.
Ah, the struggles of a nomadic heart.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you for reading Mariana. I’m so glad it was helpful for you 🙂
Camille, this really hits home for me. In fact, reading your words makes me feel more understood than I have in a long time. I am constantly driven to travel and move by a restlessness I can’t pinpoint the origin of. Each time I do, I know I move further away–in every sense–from the people I love. It’s always a struggle to reconcile my desire to see new things with my desire to nurture a 5 1/2 year relationship with a man whom I love deeply but who doesn’t share my same yearning.
Thank you for writing this and for articulating a feeling many of us wanderers grapple with. It warms my heart to know I’m not alone in this feeling that something bigger is driving me forward, even if that means going in a different direction from loved ones. As always, your words resonate with me deeply.
Aw thank you Paige <3
Leaving home is never fun, but like the little birds in the next, the momma bird wants you to fly and fly high and do well. She will always miss you and you will always miss your family, but I know you, you make family on the road, you will do well. You always have…..best travels forever…
Wishing you everything your heart desires, as well as mystery to feed your wandering nature, kiss a baby for us….keep it going..
Thank you Joel, your comments are always so kind, thoughtful, and uplifting 🙂
“The hardest part of leaving home, is knowing that the people whom I love more than anything in the world, will never be part of the lifestyle that I love more than anything in the world.”
Nailed it.
I was going to say the exact same thing!
😀
<3
It’s so hard to leave home. I feel ya :/
Hard and so very necessary 😉
Camilla, my heart, my spirit animal, my soul’s blogger. I feel this. I feel you. Thank you so much for this post, I’ll be sharing with my family in Wisc. I love you and miss you. Big hugs from Mendocino County xoxoxo. Bien viaje chica!
I love you sweetheart. Please tell me you’ll be in Costa Rica this year?
I came home last summer and yes I love my family and friends and my home too, yet another place calls my name and it has become my new home with a woman who accepts me for who I am and together we find peace and love…
Home is where the heart is 🙂
Thank you for this post! It’s what I’ve been thinking about for a while now as I decide whether to stay abroad with my family or move back home. You’ve put a lot of those thoughts into words (and pictures!), and it’s so helpful to know that others feel the same way…And that it’s okay to keep on moving.
Wonderful I’m so glad you found it helpful 🙂
Thank you for writing this- it is so comforting to read someone’s words echo my own current thoughts. I come from a very close-knit family, and the hardest words to hear are the ones reminding me that I’m so absent so often. The feeling and guilt of this “selfishness” can be overwhelming, but I think the best anyone can do is continue to follow their heart and take solace in the fact that they’re staying true to themselves and their spirit. It is okay to wander, and it’s a wonderful, vibrant experience to make the whole world your home. But I alway remind myself never to forget where I come from, as it has gotten me where I am today. Know that family and love will follow you wherever you go. My best to you on your newest adventures 🙂 Go get ’em!
It’s so nice to hear this resonated with you. And you’re right, we can always keep our families in our hearts. Distance is perhaps an illusion anyway isn’t it?
One explanation that I have heard for wanderlust, especially in people from the U.S. (Not saying people from other countries are exempt of course), is that we are a nation of people who are restless, craving adventure, something different, and many times what is something “better,” than where we came from. Many of our ancestors left other countries for an adventure to a “new world,” well at least a new world to us and that same sense of restlessness and adventure is still in us.
Some of us fight the drive and choose “home” and the constraints that can come with it if you don’t plan your path with enough foresight. Why I like reading this blog is because i feel like Camille is living the life I wanted to live when I was younger, but instead chose to listen to others and had self doubt. Today, I still have that restlessness and had enough adventure to not be filled with regret too much. I can be happy with staying “home.” Phew!
Thank you Michele, such a beautifully illustrated point. And you’re so right. We’re a country of wanderers and misfits 😉
One of my favourite quotes I’ve stumbled across: “You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” Not sure who said it, but it sure is perfect.
Ah yes I know and love that quote <3
Absolutely beautifully written and I can feel you, so so much.
<3
Thank you so much xoxo