The Hardest Part About Leaving Home - This American Girl

A follow up to my post The Hardest Part About Coming Home

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Yesterday I was hula hooping in my pajamas with my Mom.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

I was blending green smoothies for breakfast and driving myself to ecstatic dance.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

I was taking steamy showers and snuggling on the sofa with my cat Tom.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

I was reading stories to my nephew, sharing yoga with my family, and talking about dreams over dinner.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

I was home.

 

The Hardest Part of Leaving Home - 13

 

Now I’m sitting on an airplane, an entire ocean away.

 

The Hardest Part of Leaving Home - 11

 

Knowing that if I didn’t force myself, I would probably never leave.

 

The Hardest Part of Leaving Home - 12

 

Because no matter how much I love to travel, it’s still always so hard to go.

 

The Hardest Part of Leaving Home - 10

 

And not because of getting on the airplane, though I fear I’ll die every time we take off or hit turbulent air.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Not because of the weight of my bag on my back, wondering where I’ll sleep that night, and not feeling like I have a home.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Not because I’m bound to butcher foreign languages and sleep in dorms with people who snore.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Not because of the cold showers or the overnight buses or the border scams.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Not because of fearing I’ll run out of money and have nowhere to go.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Not because of getting sick with no one to take care of me.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Not because sometimes I feel alone.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

The hardest part of leaving home, is knowing that the people whom I love more than anything in the world, will never be part of the lifestyle that I love more than anything in the world.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

That as much as they love and accept me, as proud as they are of me, I know that every time I leave I make it harder for them to understand me.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

It’s knowing that the final days and hours and hugs and goodbyes will never be perfect enough to make up for all of the time I spend away.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Realizing that every time I leave, it becomes less and less likely that I will ever call this place home again one day.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

And once I find another country to fall in love with, I know that I won’t miss them nearly the way that they miss me.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

I know that I can walk away from our struggles and not feel the weight of them anymore.

Which makes me feel selfish.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Yet at the same time, no matter where I am, away from my family, I know that my heart will never be fully whole.

Which makes me feel sad.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

But something within me that’s bigger

than countries and boundaries and space and time knows

 

Pacific Northwest

 

that I have to keep going

I have to keep moving.

 

Pacific Northwest

 

Something bigger

than sadness or worries or fears knows

 

Pacific Northwest

 

I have to leave home.

 

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Hello beautiful soul,
In August 2018 I stopped blogging as This American Girl. You can continue the journey with us over at Earth Daughters where we walk the sacred path of feminine awakening. Will love to see you there if it speaks to you.
With love, Camille