I want you to know that I am happy.
I am so happy that sometimes I wonder if my heart might explode.
I am happy with my freedom and I am happy all on my own.
But sometimes I think about you.
I think about how despite how much I love being alone
how nice it would feel to be with you.
How nice it would feel to love you.
And then I get scared.
I get scared that by loving you I might stop loving myself.
I might lose myself.
Revert back to being someone I worked hard to grow up from.
Forget what I love most of all.
This life that I’m already living.
This freedom I have exploring and being.
A life where you don’t exist at all.
I wonder if I let you in if I would still have space for me.
Would I let my love for you devour my love for me?
Would being with you trap and limit me?
Would being with you stop me from traveling?
Would being with you domesticate me?
It’s easy for me to imagine feeling happy, content, free on my own.
Because, well, I am.
Harder yet to imagine feeling happy, content, free with you.
Because I never did with another man.
But sometimes I still think about you.
In fact, it’s like I can see you.
Taking sunrise photos
Before going for a beach run
paddling out into the ocean
before catching a last minute flight.
You’re beautiful and confident
Humble and totally secure.
Talented and passionate
Smart and wickedly funny.
You’re flexible and fun loving and easy going and silly.
You’re so cool you’re not too cool
to sing karaoke
chant in a ceremony
open your hips in yoga
or get low to reggae.
You’re sensitive and gentle but still so manly.
In your presence instead of anxious or crazy
I feel grounded and at ease.
I can be bubbly and eccentric
playful and silly
pensive and melancholy
and you still love me.
I feel comfortable being totally me.
I don’t criticize you or ever ask you to change.
No matter what you do, I accept you just the same.
You love my sense of adventure
and encourage all of my dreams.
You’re completely independent
and love that I’m the same.
We don’t need a title to grasp or to control
every moment we choose
if we’d rather be together than alone.
But our relationship is so solid
that we always know where we stand.
Being with you doesn’t make me weak
it allows me to be strong.
It doesn’t make me go backwards
it helps me to grow.
Together we’re not limited
together we’re inspired.
I’ll tell you I’m heading to Thailand
to wander and get lost and be found.
You’ll tell me you’re off to Indo
to be humbled by the waves that make you whole.
We’ll reunite in Laos both full
and ride motorcycles and swim in cave pools.
Our relationship might be unconventional
but everything that I love is unconventional.
Everything that works in my life is unconventional.
You might not be like anyone I’ve ever met
and our relationship might not be like anything I’ve ever seen
but that is the absolute beauty of falling in love
finding something you couldn’t have possibly imagined
with someone you couldn’t have possibly imagined.
You may be too perfect
for me to possibly conceive
so today just for fun
I’ll let myself continue to dream.