I entered the palatial lobby toting my fifty-pound mildewed backpack. I did my best to compose my tangled mane and wipe the pollution residue mixed with excessive sweat from my face. My outfit, like everything else I owned, had stains and holes.
After months sleeping in rustic wooden huts on the beach, cabins in the jungle, and bunk beds in hostel dorms in Southeast Asia, at the tail end of my trip I was staying in an executive suite in a five star hotel in Bangkok.
And I wasn’t paying a cent.
A friend and fellow travel blogger had invited me to attend the Digital Innovation Asia conference in Bangkok and considering the opportunity to meet other digital nomads, I signed up. Considering my blogger status, the conference organizer set me up with a sponsored three-night stay at the Dusit Thani hotel in Silom.
Traveling in Cambodia the week prior, barefoot on beaches most of the time and befriending shockingly impoverished locals, I had mixed feelings about this arrangement. I questioned why I deserved it and what would be expected of me in return. In fact if it hadn’t been for the encouragement of my friends, I likely would have declined the hotel offer altogether and stayed in my favorite hostel on Soi 38 Sukhumvit close to the street food stalls.
Attending the conference also gave me anxiety.
Prior to living nomadically I worked in corporate offices and drank and dined in fancy bars and restaurants. I wore stilettos every day and all of my outfits were dry clean only. Despite residing in Seattle, a decidedly casual US city, being the best dressed was always important to me.
So even after two and half years of living as a beach bum yogi backpacker who thought she no longer cared about materialism or snobbery or ego, meeting with tourism boards and luxury brands in a five star hotel wearing my travelers clothes seemed entirely out of the question.
I spent the last of my cash on a pair of stilettos in Bangkok.
And when I walked into my luxury suite, graciously led by a Dusit Thani attendant who showed me warmth and kindness and not one ounce of disgust for my appearance, I was glad I accepted the hotel offer.
I flung myself onto the huge white bed and basked in the silence of my climate controlled room. I walked in circles through the entry, the closet, the bathroom, the bedroom, the sitting area, while eating handfuls of complementary tropical fruit. I showered for ages and blow-dried my hair. For the first time since I flew out of Seattle in early October, I felt really clean.
However the next day, arriving at the conference, my anxieties resurfaced.
Standing three inches taller in my new kicks with a painted face and polished hair, struggling to make small talk or business talk, I felt like a fraud. I felt like my past life had managed to infiltrate my new one and it did not taste good.
Listening to well informed presentations and enlightening blogger panels I was bored out of my mind. I couldn’t sit still and listen in this environment any better than I could in my first grade classroom or my college lecture hall or my corporate Monday morning meetings.
Despite the years I spent fighting it, I am not someone who is designed for that world.
In the afternoon I met individually with representatives from luxury hotels throughout Southeast Asia. Each politely offered me a free stay and asked questions about my blog. Strangely I found myself feeling inclined to please them. Embarrassed to tell them that I had never worked with a brand because I never intended to advertise. Giving them the answers I knew they wanted to hear. Wanting them to want me whether I wanted to work with them or not.
And inside of this meticulously constructed marble palace in the center of a dirty, raw, real city, everything felt so fake.
Eating dinner on the street afterwards, with the fumes and the honks and the filth, I felt like I could breathe again.
The next day, compliments of the Dusit Thani’s spa, I received an Ayurvedic deep tissue massage. But even under the supremely skilled touch of the therapist, I struggled to let myself enjoy. Laying perfectly still in an unparalleled state of physical relaxation my mind processed my own feelings of inadequacy.
Did I struggle with receiving the princess treatment, from the elaborate buffets to the fluffy white robe to the aromatherapy spa massage, because I didn’t feel like I deserved to accept it? Did I think that I had to buy those clothes or wear my hair a certain way or conceal who I am because the real me wouldn’t be good enough?
Have I denied myself so many opportunities at monetizing my blog for the same reasons? Do I somehow believe that if I earn a respectable first world living then I’m decidedly selling out?
Is it my fear towards leading a materialistic corporate lifestyle precisely what prevents me from allowing myself to earn a living through my passion?
I left Bangkok feeling heartbroken that I had wasted my last days in Southeast Asia in a world that felt so far away from Southeast Asia.
However in retrospect I realized that it wasn’t the conference or the dinners or the hotels. It was my struggle to fit into a certain framework that I thought I was supposed to.
The fakeness I felt was of my own making.
Perhaps I had not let go of my former life. Clearly I still cared about what people thought of me.
I can say without one ounce of shame that I love sleeping in hammocks wrapped in mosquito nets under the stars, walking barefoot down jungle paths, eating unrecognizable street food in dirty alleys, cutting down a coconut with a machete on the beach, bullshitting with tuk tuk drivers, and taking 14 hour chicken buses.
But occasionally I also like having a hot shower, or sleeping in a comfortable bed, or wearing new clothes, or shelling out for an organic healthy meal, or doing something that might not be totally local but that is totally convenient.
I know that I do not need luxury to be happy, but maybe it’s ok if once in a while I accept my privilege to be able to have it.
I realized that my business isn’t about selling myself. It is about owning myself.
Sometimes that will mean humbling my ego enough to receive money and sometimes that will mean humbling my ego enough to turn it down.
And none of it will have anything to do with selling out.
Great post, Camille. Thoughtful, insightful, grounded.
Thank you so much Tom!
Totally agree – this is a great post. These feelings infiltrate my mind on occasion as well creating an inner struggle. But in the end we have to realize it is ok.
Thank you Kindal, I’m working on it…
Inspiring as usual!
Recently I rebranded myself as a value traveler instead of a budget one and I’ve been staying in 5 and hotels/houses. I think that it’s possible to always find good value in your travels.
Sure, a 600 euro 5-star hotel in Paris sounds ridiculous if you can get a 20 euro hostel but a 5-star hotel in Cambodia is only 40 euros…
True, but do you feel like the expectation exists for you to really sell a hotel that you wouldn’t otherwise?
meh, don’t worry about the freebies! Just be who you are now or have evolved to and base your advertising opportunities on your new beliefs. One of the things I find so important about your blog is that everything you write is fresh and with your eyes wide open. Your not cocky, if you make a mistake you own up to it. Personally I like few articles that are written in Travel Magazine because they boast “the best” and it’s usually the most expensive which doesn’t attract me & my husband at all. Give me the writer who is budget concience like me, willing to try new things, is compassionate towards people, honest, and I’m hooked. BTW your writing style is easily readable and not covered up by snobbishness which I can see a mile away.
Be real, be true……be you
Thank you Charlotte I really appreciate your comment 🙂 Keeping it real is fundamental to my blog, which of course is a big reason why I struggle with sponsored anything. However I know there are ways to get funded and still be authentic, and I’m working to find them. x
Love this. The hard questions you ask yourself and your consciousness to know yourself are a huge inspiration to me!! I am glad that you came because I got to spend some time with you. You are an awesome woman-just as you are!!!
Thank you dear glad I got to meet you there!! xo
Beautiful post. I’m in a bit of a transition period. I was a solo travel girl for 2.5 years and after meeting a guy who swept me off my feet, I’ve spent 1.5 years at home, in my hometown, bored of out my brain. We’re off traveling soon and while part of me is still a backpacker at heart, the other half of me (and literally my other half) wants the finer things… I feel so torn. There’s no way near as much authenticity sleeping in a plush hotel, so far removed from the sights, smells and chaos of a city, particularly in Asia.
I think it’s OK to have your feet a little in each half of it all. Find a balance, a balance that works well for you and OWN it.
Thank you for sharing this interesting peek into your life. I hope you can find the balance out there. I know that a balance always exists and am working to find mine.
We are going through a similar transition. We’ve decided to only agree to the locations we feel comfortable in. Where we can just be ourselves, without a facade. Thanks for sharing, the hotel looks lovely.
Thank you Heidi, I so appreciate you sharing your experience. x
Stick to your voice, follow your gut instincts, and only work with companies that resonate with you in some way and you’ll be able to find that authenticity, no matter who’s paying for it.
Thank you Amanda. So glad I met you, you are one authentic business woman for sure xo
Camille! pity, I was supposed to.attend the event in BKK but had to cancel. Would have been nice to meet someone like me.
Im also not very inclined to wear my old clothes for these conferences and my first time (last year) at WTM i felt a bit uncomfortable.
But I never felt I was selling out. And I never will.
Monetizing your blog means making money with your passion by helping others. Nothing more..
If u follow the rules and just accept what you would recommend you are only doing your job.
I also prefer to walk around in flip flop and a worn.out dress all the time. But this doesnt mean that I can not act like a kid in Disneyland when I finally sleep in a Luxury accommodation for free.
This is us. We are not defined by what we wear or where we sleep. We are defined by what make us happy 🙂
Thank you so much this is a really good affirmation for me to remember that getting paid to do what you love IS inspiring, not selling out. I just need to consider more how I want to go about getting paid. I don’t think I feel comfortable with the traditional route of sponsored links and guest posts. I would have loved to have met you and hope we can somewhere else in the world! <3
Hi Camille, first time I’m visiting your blog but what an interesting story. I focus on ‘backpacking’/adventure and had my press trip to Thailand this year with loads of 5 star hotels. The press trip was amazing (it had a muay thai theme), but it was very different then may own trips to Thailand. It was staying and eating in five star hotels. To be honest, I also enjoyed the luxury and look my eyes out to my hotel room, but I did miss the SE Asia feel. No streetfood, no guesthouses (where you actually meet the owner) etc. About the dilemma of accepting free stuff. I think it’s sort of what Heidi says: do what you feel comfortable with at that moment… And if it happens you get an offer of five star luxury hotel or restaurant – and you feel like staying there. Don’t worry, you’re not selling out. You’re just doing what you love at that moment.
Hey Manouk, jij ook hier? Da’s leuk!
Thank you Manouk for sharing your experience. This is great advice 🙂
Hey Camille,
Good story, it is exactly how I felt (and feel) after attending the DIA and staying in two nice hotels. I never stay in these kinds of places either and had no idea how to review them.
Like others have been saying staying true to yourself is the best you can do and only work with people you feel comfortable with in the sense of it being a ‘fit’.
Than you Yvon 🙂 It was so nice meeting you there!
I totally understand your dilemma as I was in the same one about two months ago, but then I reminded myself that I don’t really need to be in a 5 star to be in great accommodation. My blog is about local travel, so I aim to seek out nice B&Bs with personal service. Could I afford those places as a nomad? Probably not. Could I afford them as a regular traveller? Absolutely. That’s what most of my audience are I feel, young professionals who tend to travel every now and then. Plus, I always add a kind of ‘would suit’ statement – i.e. this hotel would be perfect for people going on a long, romantic weekend in Barcelona. And I always let people know the price of the rooms per night. That way, I’m catering for my audience and getting something nice out of it too. Plus, I help out small, locally-owned businesses and advertise for them, because I personally think the bigger hotels just don’t need it. That part really is just my opinion and I of course don’t judge anyone who organises sponsored stays in luxury, of course. But there are many, many other ways to stay in nice places – it’s not just 5 star.
I would consider your audience, and figure out what could work with them and their needs, then do what you can around that. It’s really not selling out – if you have a blog, why not use it 🙂
Thank you for your advice Emma. I will definitely take it to heart 🙂
we ALL travel differently and i agree with the comment above VALUE not always price determines where i go and stay.
Most bloggers speak about how little they can spend or how many countries they have visited and the endless # of bars.
we are all different and I try not to let other’s style of travel make me STAY HOME> Lucky the traveler who started traveling early, but i am not dead yet and i will keep on the road…..
Thank you for sharing your perspective 🙂
This is so nice to hear. It seems like so many travel blogs are taking the route of being completely sponsored and not authentic anymore. Glad to see yours isn’t changing!
Thank you Hannah. Do you think it’s possible to accept sponsorship while remaining totally authentic?
You felt weird because you were at a BORING convention inside a BIG hotel, yeah the bed and the fruit is great, event the shower and the blowdryer, but there are no waterfalls here, no fishing boats, no mountains, no sunsets. That’s all. You were at a meeting. And no one likes meetings. But clearly they liked your work and valued you enough to invite you and try to woo you with free stuff. Just remember when you accept a sponsorship, accept it because you feel it is a product that you really stand behind, and that you feel gruel has good intentions for helping the world in the same way you want to help the world.
Hmmm interesting. I see there is another “Logan” here, lol. What are the chances of two people named Logan commenting on your blog?
Camille, thanks for sharing your perspective. I think one has to make a decision to either struggle all the time or allow your talent to find resonance with sponsors. I think one of the reasons why I like your blog so much is because you’re not sponsored by a group or organisation. There is an interesting uncensored way in the way you are completely not part of that crowd of people who write the same thing about each 5 star hotel over and over.
However, there are all sorts of different aspects into exploring these social niches, and life doesn’t have to always be about staying at hostels.
Thank you Logan, yes all very good points for me to think about… 🙂
Accepting a nice, free room doesn’t necessarily mean selling out – it’s just experiencing something different, the other side of the same coin. While the 5-star treatment wasn’t the Southeast Asia you were used to, it was another dimension of it!
All very true. x
What a great, intelligent post! I also often find myself feeling like a fraud in more luxurious settings. I think it’s all in our heads though, just like you say. I wonder how many people feel that way – my guess is that pretty much everyone does, at times!
Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing Sabina 🙂 PS Love your blog!!