(This post was originally published on The Freedom Experiment, an inspiring blog by a creative, beautiful, sensitive woman who shares her life struggles and triumphs to help others feel less alone. Give The Freedom Experiment a read, it just might change your day.)
I’m sitting in bed in my bungalow in Bali, alone.
The sun is shining and the turquoise sea just beyond my porch glitters beneath a cliff backed golden sand bay.
I am unbelievably blessed to be here, on possibly the most coveted island in the world, with no attachments or responsibilities, and the freedom to do anything that I want.
But what I want to do is hide under my covers and cry.
I have no return ticket home, no home to return to, and I spent the last of my savings to leave Cambodia and come to Bali to reunite with the first man I allowed myself to be vulnerable with in years.
He leaves in three hours for another continent, but mentally and emotionally he was never even here.
My disappointment is palpable.
I feel foolish for straying from my plan to see him one last time.
I question if I made a mistake in finally letting my guard down.
I worry that my lifestyle leads me to men laden with limits.
In this scenario where everything that surrounds me is foreign
emotionally it feels painfully familiar.
Resisting releasing something I already know I don’t want in my life.
Seeking fulfillment for my needs from someone else instead of empowering myself.
Accepting less than what I deserve because something seems like a better offer than nothing.
Occupying my mind so entirely with another person that I become distracted from who Iam and what I want.
How
after two years of traveling the world on my own
hiking through the South American jungle
sailing to deserted islands in Southeast Asia
riding on rickety buses across Nicaragua, Panama, Cambodia, and Morocco
taking countless cold showers
communicating in foreign languages
and sleeping in dorm rooms with complete strangers
am I back to being the girl who bases her confidence on how much attention she gets from a guy?
Haven’t I grown beyond this?
Are you ever
where I am now?
Back in a place you thought you outgrew?
Re-enacting the patterns of your past?
Being the person you swore you would never be again?
Stressing?
Bingeing?
Purging?
Judging?
Hating?
Wondering
how did I get back here?
Wondering
if you were actually
ever
healthier
or happier?
Wondering
if you were just coasting
until a difficult moment
reveals
how flawed and broken
you still are?
Terrified
that you will never
get back
to feeling
whole
secure
and content?
Believing
that you didn’t
grow up
after all?
Right now, my mind is cluttered with these ideas.
But the healthy, happy me
buried beneath the insecurity and the fear
knows
that those negative, destructive thoughts
just
aren’t
true.
Because growing up doesn’t mean always being your “best” self.
It doesn’t mean never being sad, angry, imbalanced, lost, insecure, or what some people might even call “crazy.”
It doesn’t mean being protected by an ego that the cruelest words can’t crush.
It doesn’t mean having all of the answers
and it certainly doesn’t mean never making mistakes.
Growing up means gaining the awareness
to recognize
what makes you feel good
what doesn’t
and why.
It means shifting
your self talk
to a dialogue
that makes you feel
supported
and loved.
It means accepting
that you cannot control the way that others treat you
but you can absolutely control
the way that you treat yourself.
It means recognizing
the impermanence
of everything
experiencing the darkness
knowing
that one day
again
you will feel light.
It means empowering
yourself
with the responsibility
to choose happiness
whether that means
being patient in discomfort
or making a move
that completely
changes your life.
It means having
the willingness
and the courage
to let go.
So right now
I am quieting my inner judgments
and I am amplifying my voice that says:
Hang in there babe
you are strong.
Believe in your dreams
they are inevitable.
Everything will be ok
because everything is already ok.
You are worth mountains and oceans
no matter how others treat you
or how small you feel.
Where you are today is perfect
because it is where you need to be
to get to tomorrow.
In honor of the person I am today
I am getting out of bed
I am walking down to the sea
and I am watching the dramatic progression of the sunset
alone.
Wherever you are
on your journey
in a moment of glittering bliss
in a moment of deep dark pain
on the brief, vast, varying spans between
feel it
cherish it
and know
it’s all just part
of growing up.
This post is something I really needed to read right now. I’m going through this exact same thing with a guy. I really thought I was healthier and then I fell back into the same pattern of holding on to a guy I know isn’t right just because I didn’t want to be alone. Your words really resonate with me right now. It’s nice to know others struggle with the same thing.
Anna I’m so glad it spoke to you. <3
This is amazing–I felt as if I were supposed to read this piece. It’s magical how perfectly this aligns with my own life. Thank you!
xoEmily
Thank you Emily I’m so glad to hear that!! <3
Just about one of the most beautiful things I’ve read in a long time 🙂
Aw thank you so much!
This was spot on and last night I watched the sunset alone pondering the exact same words. Beautiful reminder that it is just a part of growing up! Wish we connected when you were here on KT!
Great Post. It could have been me 20 Years ago, travelling through SSE, wondering why I was feeling so alone in the most beautiful part of the world. Now I have been with the man I love for 19 years and I couldn’t have chosen a more suitable life partner, who encourages my travel dreams. I wish you well and I hope you realise how amazingly strong you are (it took me a visit back to the ‘real’ world before I realised it!) Good Luck. x
Thank you so much Gillian, sounds like you’ve found the best of both worlds 🙂
Back from Sri Lanka, an amazing trip with my BF, who was supposed to come back 2 weeks after but then just didn’t show up in the airport where I was waiting for him with a flower bouquet and received a mail the day after saying he decided to go back to his country, where the sun rises only when it sets here in this part of the workd, as he wants to settle there n have a fresh start and no more explanation.
After 48 hours in our bed looking at all he left behind wondering what one can trust anymore, I kept blaming myself not to be the adventurous, hippie, bushbaby girl he always wanted me to be.. N now reading this brought me a little comfort that maybe he’d have never come back even if I lived another life style.
You’re so strong. I wish I could be ..
Love n peace
Aata
Wow Aata, what a difficult experience with such tremendous opportunities for self inquiry and self growth. Just remember that there is never anything you could have or should have done differently, there is only who you want to be moving forward. Be true to yourself and lead with your heart and the people who are meant to be in your life will be. And hey, YOU ARE STRONG! I’ve been there and I’m sure I will be there again, and again, however long I need to be in order to learn what it is I need to learn. <3
Another lump in my throat….really wish we had crossed paths in Laos or Cambodia! xx
Thank you so much. Perhaps somewhere else some other time 🙂
I’m wondering how I missed this post, then I realized that maybe it’s because I needed to find it right now, on this day, at this time. Thank you for sharing so honestly and beautifully and providing a push to hear the healthy, happy me over the sad, judgmental thoughts.
<3 <3 <3
This is simply beautiful and pure…thank you for sharing. I have been there and likely will be again but in between there is love and joy so it is all worth it.
Thank you so much Sarah for sharing your beautiful words! <3
Camille,
You write my favorite blog. Sometimes I feel like you read my thoughts and are writing in my voice.
Heading to Nicaragua in a few weeks, going to take all of your advice.
Cheers,
Ilana
Aw thank Ilana so sweet to hear that. I wish you an amazing trip!! Let us know how it goes xx
God your words are as pure as the first snowflake of the winter, love reading your words with my eyes fully shut, embracing the essence of the universe
Thank you so much John!! <3
hey, the pics in this one are much nicer
lovely and relaxing, though sad
has an atmosphere to it
you could honestly make this page into a little book
Thank you.