When I hit publish, I never anticipated my most recent post would cause such a controversy.
I want to clarify in case there was any confusion: my post was not an announcement on changes to my trip, my style of travel, or my path in life.
No one forced this journey on me, I chose it. I actively choose it every day. Being dirty in the jungle, sleeping in a dorm, and eating on the street brings me much more joy than an all inclusive resort ever could.
But sometimes it wears on me.
My aim with this blog has always been to write from a place of truth. As much as I love this lifestyle and as blessed as I am to have it, it is, like me, imperfect. It takes courage and sacrifice; anyone who has lived nomadically will tell you that. Not having the comfort of a nice bed, the intimacy of family and friends, and the security of a constant paycheck to name a few.
While you have all been wonderfully supportive, negative responses, particularly hateful emails from a former long time fan, have affected me more than I would like to admit. I have been called entitled, spoiled, fake, two faced, narcissistic, and worse.
I have felt distracted and low.
I have begun to question myself.
Maybe I am entitled. Maybe I am spoiled. Maybe I am narcissistic.
Maybe
considering how fortunate I am
I have no right
to ever complain
or suffer
at all.
My nomad problems
are first world problems
white girl problems
champagne problems.
I should shut up and appreciate all that I have.
I am sitting here typing on my macbook, listening to my iPod, configuring my GoPro, while an entire Indonesian family waits on me.
There are people in this country who can’t even feed their children, meanwhile, I have the privilege to turn down a free meal because it has wheat or msg.
I think I’m roughing it when I take cold showers, yet on Koh Rong many locals do not even have WATER in which to bathe, at times to even DRINK.
In Vietnam I felt slighted and scammed, but my country raped and mutilated their people and completely destroyed their land.
I want so much to understand, to empower, to LOVE everyone that I meet, but instead I capture them in an image, put it on my blog, and let others live vicariously through a fantasy, while the source of my material continues to live in poverty.
While they pick up rubbish in the sweltering heat, carry baskets of fruit on their shoulders, pick rice in the fields, or accommodate spoiled bratty tourists like me, I sit here writing about my struggles, my hopes, and my dreams.
And you know what?
THAT MAKES ME FEEL FUCKING GUILTY.
Why should I deserve to feel sad, uncomfortable, broken, or scared
when even at my poorest I come from one of the richest countries in the world
when even with their flaws my parents are alive, supportive, and love me
when even with food poisoning, motorbike injuries, a cough, a cold, I am young, resilient, and well
when I have my arms, my legs, my sight, and my mind.
When I have the luxury to even ask the questions
“Who am I?”
“What is my path?”
“What do I want?”
Who am I to EVER voice a single concern?
I will tell you who I am.
I AM HUMAN.
And every human life has struggle.
That is how we grow.
Every human life has pain.
That is what gives us compassion.
I may never comprehend the ache of another man or woman’s plight
but by sharing my dreams, my hopes, my fears, and my IMPERFECTIONS
even when they are ugly and people don’t want to look at them
I hope that maybe, sometimes, you might feel a little less alone.
My problems may not be the worst problems
but they are MINE.
These are the consequences of the choices that I have made
and the cards that the universe has dealt me.
Instead of feeling guilty
and comparing my hand to someone elses’
the best that I can do is examine what I’ve got to work with
gain perspective
and GROW.
If you understand and respect that
then you understand and respect me.
If you don’t
here is the good news
you don’t have to ever come back to read.
Bravo!
Thank you!
Great comeback. You are my hero.
<3 <3 <3
Your photos and postings are a delight, Camille. If others have a problem with YOUR personal insights and feelings about YOUR own experiences out in the world and far from home, then that is THEIR problem.
You’re absolutely correct- it takes courage and sacrifice to do what you do, with limited means. If you were using a cushy trust fund or your parents money to jet off to hotels in exotic locales, I wouldn’t be interested in your writing.
Instead, what you’re doing is taking personal risks to explore your life and your heart and mind. And sharing what comes up for you with others.
Frankly, I think it’s all been beautiful and thought-provoking.
But if some people can’t appreciate the gifts you offer here, then, as you said, they’re free to not visit your blog.
Feel what you feel, Camille. It’s your right, and it’s where truth is to be found.
But challenge any sense of guilt. From what I see, you’ve done nothing to feel guilty about.
Thanks for sharing your journey here. Please don’t let other’s bitterness/judgement stop you.
Ah Bill, thank you, you are amazing. I truly truly appreciate your support and advice.
I agree with Bill and I am one of those people that live vicariously though your images and posts. You inspire me constantly. What impresses me even more is your willingness to be so open and honest about the process you go through to take the journey you have chosen. As Bill said you have the right to feel exactly how you feel and we all have our good days and bad days. Days that we love our choices and circumstances and days when we don’t and everywhere in between. I am sorry that some people took your last post the wrong way, but that is really their problem not yours. Really you have no responsibility to us your readers, you opened your life to us, for free and have showed us the risks and rewards from your life and also some of the downsides. I really can’t understand why someone would or could fault you for that unless they themselves are are so unhappy with their own choices, they have decided to judge your feelings and take it out on you. There is a saying I saw floating around lately that said something like “When someone judges you it says more about themselves, then it does about you.” Keep on your journey wherever it takes you, thank you for sharing it with us. I truly appreciate it.
Thank you Cija I truly appreciate you, your support, and your loyal readership. It means so very much to me!! <3
Well said.
Thank you.
Camille, the Brave.
Follow your lusting travel heart while your young and we are vicarious.
Always, Always. Be safe.
Live your life for you, not for those here looking through the looking glass.
Those that are here mostly have their own reasons, weather its love of a family member, a wanna be traveler like myself. The there are those who are incapable, they maybe of our Senior Community that live through your blog. A young person who maybe struggling with a medical issue….. There are many of us who follow you , SIMPLY out of JOY.
While negative comments only contribute to shut you down and wear on noggin. Positive feeds the curious mind. It feeds our soul. Positive energy is what made Camille thrive in CR. Pull those tools from you hidden tool box use them in a quiet space and forge through, releasing the unwanted negative “crap”
You are so Brave. When I was your age, I set out on a different path…. It was the path of the Fisheries in Alaska. OH BOY.
Any how, I must be rambling by now.
I leave you with Warm Wishes of Merry Christmas, and a Wonderful New Year with New Friends, and Old Friends, Families here at home with love in their hearts.
Jeannine
This quote is to help you deal with the haters:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” – Buddha
Thank you for your beautiful words Jeannine. You are what makes this whole blogging thing worthwhile.
Great post. I love reading your blog; it is an oasis of genuine in a desert of trite materialism, it is a moment of beauty and thoughtfulness in the otherwise shallow pond that is normally this blogging world. You remind me of the nomadic spirit I carry within myself and the reasons to celebrate it, to live with questions and a fervent desire to walk among those who live and think differently. All of this is growth. Yes, you are brave, and the fact that the hurtful comments affected you so deeply is testament to your big, human heart. As one who benefits on a soul level from what you share here, I can only encourage you to continue.
(an aside: I have found “The Gifts of Imperfection,” by Brené Brown, to be very helpful in light of what you are experiencing. Vulnerability is not weakness but in fact, the opposite.)
Thank you Linda you are amazing. <3
I WANT YOU !!! Keep hav,n fun. They dont know traveling if they have not hit that point.
Thanks Robb 🙂
Found this while researching my own writing and preparing to leave soon on my own journey.
From Carl Jung:
“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams;
who looks inside, awakes.”
Keep doing both, sweetheart.
Thank you Bill you are so kind 🙂
right on chica!!! love you.
I love you beautiful.
Last week I had just begun reading the comments of your posts and I was astonished with some of the hurtful negativity thrown your way. All I can say to those people is all that hate will sadly come right back to them because that’s the way the universe works. When we put out love and light it is returned to us tenfold. The negativity towards you reminds me of my life because I have often taken the “road less traveled” or done things out of the perfect sequence to societies standards. The challenge for all of us so that we may be true to ourselves, our soul, our individual path is to not get too attached to anyone’s opinions of ourselves good/bad. All that is important is that we honor our souls purpose. Don’t ever dimm your light for anyone. All of the things you ultimately write are parts of you, the story your mind has created. At the end of the day in a quiet place you find yourself and your source…….most likely something that could never fully be explained for words. Don’t ever feel ashamed for being sad, tired, frustrated, and wanting something different at a moment in time. People our culture has a difficult time seeing multi- faceted people. We tend to put things in a box to make ourselves feel good…..shame on them. Write your heart out….don’t ever worry about anyones story of you or your own story of you…..you are perfect right here and now. I appreciate your honesty, vulnerability and reflective quality of your writing that so few people lack. Love and light…..pura vida!!! By the way your moms comment last week brought tears to my eyes…..god bless the both of you for honoring your individual paths.
I feel humbled and blessed by your comment. Thanks for being such a picker upper Nicole. <3
Camille, what people say is more about them than it will ever be about you. You just keep on living your beautiful, amazing life and as long as you are willing to share, I will be honored to read (and I am *certain* I speak for many others.)
Hang in there.
Thank you Ashley. I often remind myself that how others treat you reflects who they are, what you choose to accept reflects who you are. I really appreciate the love <3
Bad ass response. It’s funny, as a fellow traveler, I thought nothing was wrong or off about your previous post. Instead, after just leaving Colombia after 3 weeks of travel to return to Ecuador, I completely identified with what you were saying. Of course our problems are wonderful ones to have, and it’s always important to remember that we have it so GOOD compared to others, but what does that mean… that we live our lives not allowing ourselves to feel any pain or sadness, because someone out there has it worse? No it means we understand our emotions within a larger context of the world, continue fighting to be stronger women, and struggle every day to make the suffering of others less. Your response today was wonderful and a great summary of all the philosophical and moral struggles of traveling.
Lastly, I would say that you should think about (which I’m sure you have) living abroad rather than just traveling. Living in Ecuador has awarded me pretty much everything you seek – newness and challenge, but also with comfort and friends and a deeper intimacy with the culture and people. If you are interested in a job, I know without a doubt (truly) you can get one at the language institute where I teach. Let me know if you’re interested!
“No it means we understand our emotions within a larger context of the world, continue fighting to be stronger women, and struggle every day to make the suffering of others less.” Beautiful. I wish I had put it so well.
Living abroad for a few months at a time in between travels is certainly my preference and what I’ve done in the past in Costa Rica. I’m hoping to do it again soon. I’ve been seriously considering heading to Ecuador the last few months, I will let you know if I do, thanks for your offer 🙂
Also, something someone once told me that has stuck with me:
Be kind to yourself.
Your journey through SE Asia is a mix of tourist and off beat areas that are new to me. I am a veteran and have been to Asia more than 15 times. Each time I discover new things, try to teach some English and make new friends. I never apologize for being an American. Swedes, Russians and Germans in Asia outnumber the English recently and they aren’t apologizing. The fact is, most people welcome us if we respect their beliefs and customs. Enjoy yourself and don’t take on the burden of thinking that they need to be like us. You will find yourself wanting to go back and visit more often. Merry Christmas, Stephan
Thank you Stephan for your wonderful advice. Merry Christmas to you <3
It was funny to see people complain about the problems you raised, which were basically just issues relating to financial stability and deeper relationships. To call someone spoiled for desiring something that all 7 billion current humans also want is pretty darn stupid, particularly when “reliable paycheck” was seen as “materialistic.”
I also don’t particularly enjoy the idea of “well, other people have it worse,” as though it’s a reason to feel like someone’s problems are nonexistent. People living in the US who have to pay $300,000 in cancer treatment bills have serious problems, and people say “OH YEAH? Well it’s even worse in the Democratic Republic of the Congo!” Yeah, it is, but that doesn’t diminish the loss of a loved one or whatever.
I think there are plenty of people out there who complain about silly problems (“OMG! I wish I could afford this new Gucci purse but I just bought a Prada wallet!” etc etc), but there was nothing like that in the post, so if people are complaining about what was actually said (financial stability, friends, and a hot shower), they’re probably just complaining because of something that isn’t really there…and is probably within themselves.
Extremely well put. Thank you for your affirmation and support!
This was awesome. Good for you for dealing with the haters. It’s your blog, and you can write whatever the hell you want. Me and my fellow farang in my town in Thailand have ALL been feeling frustrated with work, frustrated with the country, and ultimately homesick. We blame it mainly on the holidays. So, you’re not alone. You aren’t the only westerner in southeast asia feeling annoyed and exhausted with travel at the moment. There are many of us. But it will pass. And you are in Bali, which is incredible. Keep doin you, girl!
Thank you and yes Bali is incredible 🙂 Where in Thailand are you?
No problemo! I’m an avid reader and you’ve put a lot of perspective on my own travels! I’m in Tak. A big town 4 hours southwest of Chiang Mai. Teaching English until march!
My biggest problem right now is I have so much stuff I bought for all my staff in Thailand that I am afraid I am going to have problems at the airport. And then I worry if I get through that, Costa Rica customs will shake me down for not declaring.
Those are my problems and they are real! I am allowed to have them and so are you.
I used to blog… But when I felt I had to censor myself to please people I stopped. That makes me sad. Click my link and you can read old stories about moving to Puerto Viejo and building my hotel.
Next stop Bangkok, Bejing, Lax and then Costa Rica. Enjoy Bali. I am already making plans for Bali and Sri Lanka next year.
Cheers, Colin.
Eep I can imagine Colin… I hear it’s a nightmare dealing with Costa Rica regarding these things… I’ve been scared to even bring a single digital camera for a friend considering how unaffordable all electronics are in CR. I will most definitely check out your blog. Enjoy the rest of your trip, Bali is incredible. By the time you get here I’ll have loads of advice for you 🙂 Looking forward to seeing you when I come back to Puerto Viejo. Besitos!
How am I only just discovering your blog now, Camille?! I love the style you write in, and your honesty. I just read the post you referred to about not wanting to be a backpacker anymore, and WOW at some of the comments!!!
I’m 27 now, and after a trip around the world (well kinda) this year, I’m in the same place as you. Give me street markets and long bus rides, but a comfy bed or a night out at a swanky cocktail bar every now and again. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with enjoying different aspects and levels of comfort when you travel, as long as you travel respectfully.
And yes to your problems being your problems. I have problems. Are they the worst in the world? No, but they affect ME. I remember being heckled in London when walking past a guy signing up people for a charity. I turned around and told him that I already give to a charity on a monthly basis (UNICEF), that I couldn’t afford to give more, and to not make assumptions – that shut him up. What I’m trying to say there is people make assumptions about other people, when they don’t know all the facts about a person, when they think that a ‘privileged’ person complaining is selfish when they bemoan one of their problems. But they are YOUR problems and they are real.
Keep on doing what you’re doing. Haters are going to hate, but with your last post, for every hateful comment, you had about half a dozen responses from your readers defending you. I think that speaks volumes 🙂
Thank you Tom!! I’m flattered that you enjoy my blog 🙂
You’re right, haters will hate and the person they truly hate is sadly themselves. I’ve been blown away with all of the love and support from my readers the past few days. It feels pretty amazing 🙂
Best of luck to you in your adventures!!
Being so open about what you feel is what attracts and connects us with you… In my lowest moments i just come here to read your posts…. they are a great source of comfort and inspiration… Just be You.. like you do now…..Merry Xmas..!!
Aw thank you Asha, that means more to me than you know. <3 <3 <3 Merry Christmas to you!
Don’t let those clowns get you down. I kind of feel bad for people who have so much negativity brewing inside that they need to vomit it all up on some innocent blog. Really? That’s what they’ve got going for them? Yikes. Sad. Your life, good and bad, is fascinating and inspirational to so many. When I read your “controversial” post, I simply thought you became more relatable to this 30-something lady reading your blog from her white-walled office during lunch break. I don’t want to sell my possessions and live nomadically, but I still Iove to read about your adventures (and I did buy some organic coconut oil). You have to start somewhere, right? Keep up the good fight, Camille. Your many fans thank you. xoxo
Aw thank you Meredith. I appreciate your support so much and it means the world to me that you can relate no matter how different our lives may be. That is truly my goal with this blog, so thank you!
Merry Christmas T.A.G.
Want to know what I think? You will never be able to make everyone happy. Some people just choose to be unhappy. They are happier that way. It works for them.
Bali looks like an amazing place.
Beautiful pictures! Some of those beaches look amazing. Swimming, or just being in the ocean, is one of my favorite things. I recommend getting in over your head as often as possible. 🙂
Thanks so much Matt. Yes yes I agree about the ocean. I think this trip has involved far too many cities. I’m back in a city now, albeit the small one of Ubud, but I’m already missing the sea. It’s amazing how calming and centering it is there.
Travel and adventure are in your blood. For me, being close to the water, the bigger the better, is important. It’s a boundary to prevent crowding and it’s a source of food and pleasure. I think an island is an ideal place. My favorites are Phuket and St. Maarten, but countries like Panama and Costa Rica sandwiched between two major seas, are compelling to me now. Keep traveling and blogging, your news is always interesting.
Thank you Stephan! Yes I agree being at the water is ALWAYS where I feel best. I love small islands but I also love being near the surf. So far Puerto Viejo, Little Corn Island, Koh Rong, and the entire Bukit Peninsula in South Bali are the places in the world that have really won my heart.
Wanderlust, for those who truly have it, may not be so much a choice as simply the way of one’s soul. An intuition to just keep ‘showing up’, making oneself available. A healthy inquiry into any and all possibilities. An open invitation for the Universe within and without to engage. A trust affirming relationship with that which may be more accessibly sensed than seen.
And there’s always the change of scenery.
As to the detractors, party crashers, well, everything is information of a sort. However, (self) doubt’s the devil, I say, kick the beggar down the stairs.
Be young, have fun, follow the sun. Be weightless on the water. Let coincidence be your guide. When you need to slow down to let magic catch up, you’ll know it.
As it happens, some friends of mine and I are off to the east coast of C.R. and points further south in a couple of weeks. Might make it to Brazil for the Party, hard to say from one moment to the next. Nothing written in stone, no expectations. Travelling light.
Just a little shout out from the ‘mystery tour’. Enjoy the island of the gods!
sol
Thank you Sol. Really enjoyed reading your comment. Perhaps you’re right, maybe it’s not even a choice rather a pull of the heart. Enjoy Costa Rica, I love that miss that beautiful country.
I’ve never read your comments until now, just been following you for a year or so. I love the way you combine beautiful photography and simple and meaningful writing. When you wrote the post questioning it all, I thought, “Well heck, it’s about time. I would’ve thrown in the towel a long time ago.” I admire you and your perseverance. Go ahead and complain. It’s your damn blog.
Thank you thank you thank you. It means a lot hearing this today. Lots of love to you Jennifer!
haters gonna hate! just keep doing you and brush your shoulders off!! i truly enjoy reading your blog. thank you for reminding all of us that there’s a giant world out there full of so many different people 🙂 hugs from ohio!
Aw thank you Francine for your sweet comment! Hugs from Bali 🙂
You keep writing what you feel, don’t ever stop. You go….. American Girl!
Thank you Katy you are a sweetheart!! <3 <3
seriously? I am just getting fired from my job at Walmart. and you complain . happy new year
So, Sue… no one can complain about anything because YOU got fired?
I lost my wife of 24 years to cancer last year. It hurts everyday. But I’d never think for a second that my pain somehow means others can’t feel their own pain and even complain about it.
I’m sorry for your present situation, it sucks. But I also think you’re being just a tad self-involved.
@sue I got beaten up as a sissy in high school, my mother died when I was a teenager. I have been discriminated against and denied some basic human rights that the rest of my country take for granted because I am a homo blah blah blah. Boo friggin hoo…
I am sorry you lost your job at Walmart, but you too will find out the hard way one day, you are not as important as you think you are and most people don’t care.
Now I know that sounds nasty and as hard as it was for me to hear and to accept that, it was one of the greatest things that happened to me.
It freed me from this “oh woes me” shopping cart that I had been pushing around and forcing on everyone all my life and them having to listen how hard and unfair my life has been and you are all so lucky and privileged …
So, back to you loosing your job that Walmart. I think that is wonderful. What would happen if everyone just decided that Walmart was a shitty place to work because they treat people like slaves and just quit?
Now you are free to go find a better job.
Happy New Year! I like this BLOG. It belongs to Camille. You can see the future if you observe what’s going on. As far as the Walmart comment. they hired a lot of people, some stay and do well. I destroyed my Blackberry and needed a phone. After a half hour in their phone department and talking to all six of the people working there, one person with missing teeth came out of the back room and gave me the phone I needed. Moved my SIM in and was back in business with a nice Android phone. Five people can be fired in that department.
Let Camille tell us about her adventures in Indonesia. It’s Happy New Year right now!
Stephan
Wonderful post! Don’t be discouraged by the criticism — if that’s your audience’s method of dealing with their own challenges, then they obviously have no place to critique yours.
Thanks Kayla 🙂
I know i will be back to read, I am hooked. Always wanted to travel the world since I was a child, I thought I could be a missionary. I have many, many, many problems but I keep on going for my daughter. But, now I can still travel the world thru your eyes…
Thank you so much Sarah <3
Powerful and real! You are so on point. There are so many that have it so much worse than most of us, (that is what I remind myself of if I start to get negative about my life), and it is good to remember that you are indeed lucky. But your feelings of frustration and hurt are valid feelings too, and worth recognition. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have empathy for those less fortunate. It just means, as you said, that you are human. And you are doing a far better job than a great many, at rising above those frustrations and using the good fortune you have to explore the world, and empower yourself with knowledge. There will always be negative people, and haters and people that judge without knowing you. And sometimes that will get you down. But in the end, when you choose love, YOU win. Fuck em 🙂
Love always wins <3