Rain hails incessantly, transporting leftover scraps of meat, noodles, and egg along a grimy gutter river.
Chihuahuas hide under the eaves of brightly lit shops selling sunglasses, hats, and pajamas.
Motorbikes liberate opaque brown puddles.
Their masters fly clad in neon ponchos.
The typhoon inflicted its flooding chaos over Danang on the Central Coast two days ago. Now Hanoi inherits the aftermath.
I have been hiding here for the past few days afraid to venture further south into typhoon Nari, which caused hundreds of thousands of coastal dwellers to evacuate inland and took fifteen lives.
Today as the city becomes a polluted water park, I am hiding from Hanoi too.
It has been exactly ten days since I left Seattle for Vietnam
and as insensitive as this sounds considering the hardships of those hit by the typhoon
nothing has gone smoothly.
I lost my passport in the airport and recovered it moments before boarding.
I singed my leg, badly, my first time on the back of a motorbike.
I contracted a nasty cold despite traveling with and drinking water kefir daily.
When I hiked to the top of a national park, my camera broke.
My cards were restricted access when I attempted to buy another.
I lost my favorite pair of earrings on my camera-less walk home.
Traveling here, for me, is hard.
Much harder than I realized it would be.
Many times I have felt confused, scammed, ignored.
Lonely, awkward, insecure.
Anxious, afraid, discontent.
I have often questioned
is this what I am truly supposed to be doing?
Is this where I actually belong?
Have I made a huge mistake?
I miss conversing with locals in their native tongue.
I miss socializing in expat run restaurants and cafes.
I miss sinking my feet into the warm sand under the supremacy of the sun.
I miss Central America.
Should I have gone straight to Bali or Thailand to meditate, do yoga, and eat raw organic food?
To swim and surf in the land of expats, jungle, and sea?
To find a place with the comfort of Puerto Viejo in a far away land?
I’d rather drink a green smoothie than munch on chicken feet.
I’d rather move through asana than trudge down a dirty street.
I’d rather be in the jungle than surrounded by concrete.
But wait…
isn’t discomfort
in one sense
the point of travel?
To see and experience an unfamiliar way of life?
To venture beyond what feels like home?
To recognize where you do feel best
but learn how to feel better
no matter where you are?
Because despite these challenges, these differences
every day
I am exposed to incredible beauty.
I encounter respect and kindness.
I meet interesting people who are open to listen and to share.
Where I am does not feel natural or perfect
but I have the tools to reconnect with the limitless light that lives within me
and to see that everything is perfect if I let it be.
Today
against hemp covered cushions
in Hanoi’s one and only health café
I am escaping the sounds, the smells, and the culture of Hanoi.
I am going inside of my cocoon
to become grounded
so that when I emerge
I can find calm in the chaos
I can find beauty in the disrepair
I can find myself
in Vietnam.
just keep trudgin along…it will get better! all of the reasons you mentioned above of why you have struggled traveling there for now are the reasons i love it! but the love takes a while…i promise! central america is too predictable for me and im not a huge fan…but se asia is so unpredictable and ridiculous (sometimes) that i never know what the heck may happen day to day!
and by the way…i have a big ol scar on my right inside of my calf from a motorbike. no one instructs you when you’re on the back that you must get off on one side and not the other. ugh. LOL 🙂
keep your head up!
Thank you Megan! I’m headed to Hoi An tomorrow which I hope steals my heart 🙂 Looks like we will be having twin scars…!
Hi there! I am so enjoying your blog. You are a wonderful writer. It I was a writer you would take the words right out of my mouth! I love all the Central America posts just because I live in CR. I would love to invite you to my place in Potrero, along the Gold Coast of CR. I am a yoga teacher and I would love to have your energy in my classes. Let me know if you will come. I will provide a place for you to stay! 🙂 Colleen
Wow, thank you Colleen what a compliment! I’ve never been to Potrero but it looks gorgeous, I’d love to take some of your classes. I’m not sure when I’ll be in Costa Rica again, hopefully within the next year, but I will definitely contact you and make sure to pay you a visit when I do 🙂
Camille, I know your hard work will pay off. These challenges are what I share when people tell me how much they envy your life ! I admire your attitude and send love and energy your way. Mom
<3
You are so wise, Camille. It is your commitment to finding meaning and beauty in your travels that makes your experience deep and compelling. Sending light and levity from the land of rain.
Thank you Linda, you are so kind 🙂
Hello! How are you?! I want to read also the prevoius articles but i have so few time! I think simply that some places have to be .. assimilated. It’s not simple sometimes to be in a different culture. But, for my experience, in the moment you get in touch with all the new, you’re so deep happy inside .. and your horizon enlarges… kisses. Cris
Definitely Cristina, thank you for your kind words 🙂
I’m so sorry you had such a crappy time so far 🙁
Does it help that I couldn’t stop giggling after I read this “Chihuahuas hide under the eaves of brightly lit shops selling sunglasses, hats, and pajamas.” and All I could think of was Chihuahuas hiding under eaves of stores; selling hats, sunglasses and pajamas. . .
I made little pictures to post but I can’t get them in this comment. I’ll have to email ya!
Oh, that would have been quite a sight! I’m in Hoi An now, enjoying it much more, but definitely looking forward to Thailand which I think will be much more my speed.
Your blog has really resonated with me, especially this post. So thank you for posting this!
This is now my second week of living in Hanoi. It is my first time outside of the US. I am here alone for an internship with a local non-profit. And I do not speak Vietnamese. So, struggling is a bit of an understatement. I feel foolish for struggling, but this post is a good reminder for me that it wouldn’t be an adventure if I knew what I was doing.
Thank you, I’m glad this post has helped you a bit. Have you seen my post on Hanoi? It may help you find some spots that make you feel a little more at home:
https://www.thisamericangirl.com/2013/10/22/a-woman-in-hanoi/
also, here’s some of what I learned once I was FINALLY adjusted 😉
https://www.thisamericangirl.com/2014/06/16/traveling-southeast-asia-changed-forever/
Thank you for your words and insights, you write candidly and beautifully and as a fellow female traveler who has spent a lot of time traveller solo I feel a connection to your words. Some people glorify travelling like it is a cruisey walk in the park but that is not so…For me, I’ve found travelling has forced me to examine some of the brightest and darkest places within, face demons of despair, destruction, and displacement…Depths and caverns within that many people avoid investigating for their entire lives…It takes determination and courage to find the bright star shining light into the darkness within….I wish you light on your journey. Sarah
Thank you so much for your kind words Sarah. Yes, it’s so true, travel can give us that space to really go within and explore places of ourselves perhaps we’ve avoided. However, it’s not just travel that’s doing this, it’s you and your conscious choice and awareness. I wish you light on your journey as well my dear <3 Camille
I’m currently in a situation where I’m asking myself the same exact questions. Reading this inspires me to keep going on as long as I can. Thank you for this.
Thank you so much for your comment Alex, keep going and keep growing 🙂