Is a question I asked recently.
I have certainly stepped foot
on many deserted patches of isolated sand
and admired how beautiful
how pristine
how perfect
they remain
undisturbed, untarnished
by the land offshore.
How they manage
to be so content
completely alone.
my days were filled with work.
My nights were scheduled with events.
My drives were accompanied by phone calls.
Now
I escape town
on long walks on the beach
to let the sounds of the ocean drown my thoughts
uninterrupted by conversation from another human being.
I step away from the party
to sit in silence
and stare at the stars.
I take romantic trips
to exotic locations
all by myself
in the company of
the love of my life
my favorite person
my best friend
me.
Traveling has taught me
to feel free
to be happy
and content
just like those beautiful islands.
I am now accustomed
to meeting incredible people
building connections
and letting them go.
Often.
Readily.
Losing touch with old friends
Struggling to stay in contact with family.
I have come to accept
that people leave
people hurt
people disappoint
for no other reason
than the simple fact
that they are people.
I feel free of dependencies
knowing that I need no one
that I own no one
that no one owns me.
Complete in myself
the one person
who has everything
I could ever need.
But recently I wonder
if I have begun to alienate myself
from the rest of the world.
If in freeing myself from my expectations of others
I have encaged myself with walls
to protect my delicate soul
from being let down.
Closing myself to the beauty I could receive
by unlocking the dead bolts
and opening the door.
ME!
The girl who once desired to be smothered with attention, hugs, and praise.
Who gauged her own happiness on the state of her relationships with others.
Who bore her throbbing heart with pride and ease.
Who pitied those who did not know how to love freely, fearlessly.
But more than traveling
what I believe
has formed these new but sturdy walls
has been my experience living here
in the place I love
The same place that taught me how to be ok
with being alone
in the first place.
Listening to incessant gossip
constant drama
pettiness
hurt.
Witnessing
friends
with little remorse.
Being sexually harassed
constantly
at all hours of the day
no matter what I wear
simply for walking down the street.
Seeing beautiful
intelligent
capable women
stuck
in a place
in a relationship
that doesn’t fulfill them
that they don’t deserve
because they are addicted
to the unsatisfying love
of a controlling unfaithful man.
Watching every guy in town cheat
with any tourist he can snag
instead of staying home
to snuggle his darling babies
and respect their beautiful mom.
Knowing that once upon a time I was that tourist
ignorant to the reality of his life
vulnerable and trusting
in his comforting web of lies.
Learning to accept
secrecy
deception
infidelity
disrespect.
Learning not to cry.
Learning not to care.
Living under the constant threat
of being robbed if I carry a purse
raped if I walk alone
used if I offer a hand
deceived if I assume the best.
And perhaps you can imagine
how it might cause me
to build a gate of titanium
around everything someone might try to take.
So now here I am.
An island.
Separated from the dangers of the world
with deep uncrossable waters.
Content and fulfilled in myself
yet unwilling to share my goodness
with anyone else
because I am so afraid of losing
what I was finally able to find.
Convinced that I will never get
from another person
anything as good
as what I can already give myself.
But the blissfully naïve girl
who lives freely on that little patch of land
far away from the shore
sees the sadness in that.
She does not see the world through my jaded eyes.
And lately
as tough as I often wish I was
I miss her.
So I have decided
to little by little
let that wall down.
To allow myself to receive the goodness that exists in the world.
The goodness that exists in others.
Maybe I can make it all alone
but why should I have to
in a world filled with beauty
filled with blessings
filled with love?
Why simply self sustain when I can overflow?
Yesterday
with this new intention
I opened up.
If you find
that your experiences
over the years
have left you jaded
guarded
living behind walls to protect yourself from being hurt
again
I encourage you to do the same.
I danced with the little girl who pesters me in the cafe.
I waved hello to every misogynistic rasta I passed on the road.
I had long conversations with complete strangers without worrying about the time.
I accepted invitations I might dismiss otherwise.
I beamed and no one stole my light.
And now I feel a little vulnerable.
I feel a little scared.
I fear I might lose myself
in my journey back towards others.
But I trust that one day
I will choose a piece of land
that is not a deserted island
nor a public park
rather a solitary place
connected by a path
protected with a welcoming gate.
And if I’m lucky
maybe there is someone else out there
who will fit perfectly
with me
on the other side.
Beautiful.
If only everyone would risk being alone for a while, by choice, to find themselves, and have that clear perspective, instead of always seeking their reflection in others.
And once doing so, be ready for the risk of sharing themselves again, stronger.
So enjoy your posts, Camille.
Thank you so much for you support and loyal readership John!
A lot of clarity here, and brave self admissions- we should all do so well.
thank you so much I really appreciate the complement!
Maya Angelou says, everyone should have a place inside themselves that only you go to- your sanctuary. -I love that because I can still beam out and be vulnerable
Thank you my yogi friend 😉 xoxo
What I love in this post is the natural unfolding of the story. At first, reading it, I found myself feeling a little down, a little comparative, like: Gosh, I don’t feel nearly as self-assured, as independent, as strong. But then, you laid yourself bare, became really vulnerable. And I could so relate. I felt what you wrote; I feel that still. So it made me connect in a way I might not have otherwise were I just aspiring to be the girl in the beginning who was so sure of herself. And now, I guess I’m left with this peace of understanding, but also hopefulness…for you, for me. Great writing does that. Bravo, bella.
Gracias mi corazon. Te amo.
This is beautiful. I am currently travelling on my own, have only been away a few weeks but I am a mixture of emotions at the moment! I find your blog really helpful, I can relate to a lot of what you say. Well done on what you do! You are an inspiration!
Thank you so much Abby, that means a lot to me! <3
I have started reading all your posts in order (I think, anyway!) and have gotten this far in an hour or two…i really love this one in particular. Resonated with me very deeply…just the idea of living for yourself and someone else but without losing who you are. it’s a tough, delicate balance
Thank you sweetie, you may connect with this post too: https://www.thisamericangirl.com/2014/11/07/love-letter-woman-travels-alone/
I am lost I think. I have been an island forever. Never felt a part of any circle, never had a best friend or even a girlfriend. 19 years of spiraling into a casm of alienation has led me to a point in my life where I question if I am meant for any one. This yearning to love burns dimmer every day, this fear of loneliness will overwhelm me if I let it. I think I am lost.
You are meant to be here, you are meant to be loved, and you are meant to love. The key lies in loving yourself. Love yourself so much you explode with love. Love yourself so much that loneliness no longer exists. And then the people who are meant to love you will arrive.
Kind words, I appreciate it, I will definitely make this my priority.
xoxoxo