I will never forget the first time I felt small, like I wanted nothing more than to hide, like I was less of a person, because of the attention of a man.
I was twelve years old walking home from a day at the lake with friends. It was late in the afternoon in the suburbs of Seattle. I don’t remember how I looked or what I was wearing but considering my age and rate of development I imagine I appeared innocent and slightly dorky.
Walking the streets of the town I called home, I experienced what we refer to in my country as “cat calling”. A response I, like all women, have begun to expect when walking alone.
The honking I could tolerate. The indiscernible shouts I ignored. But after walking for nearly three hours on busy streets, sweaty and exhausted, it was the man who stuck his head out of his car window and exaggeratedly blew me a kiss as he whizzed by, that finally collapsed my spirit.
Since then I have been shouted at on streets across the world. I have been followed by men for blocks. I have been begged for sex, companionship, a dance, and conversation.
A stranger stuck his hand up my skirt when I entered a crowded bar in Belize.
In Mexico I stood in an ATM next to a man pleasuring himself.
Walking midday in midtown clad in professional attire, an American whispered words dirtier than the streets of Manhattan into my ear as he rounded the corner.
Yesterday a man stroked my arm as I passed him on the street in Granada. Two teenagers smacked my butt as they rode by on a bicycle.
And somehow it has all felt so disturbingly normal.
I lower my head and divert my gaze.
I try desperately to become invisible.
I tug at my shorts.
I absorb the shame that these men are somehow unable to summon.
I expect police officers to undress me with their eyes.
I barely hear the whistles, the “mami”s, and the “guapa”s these days.
The exaggerated glances, the mumbled “wow”s, and the persistent “hola”s have become a simple nuisance in my navigation of the world.
Day after day I endure it.
All because I am a woman.
Now, in Granada, Nicaragua, where the looks, the whispers, the shouts, the touches are more incessant than any place I have ever been, I just can’t take it anymore.
Let’s try that again.
I refuse to take it anymore.
And you should too.
So, to the men out there who bother, follow, touch, shout at a woman who has the courage to be and walk alone, listen up:
I refuse to accept that a smile or a glance is an invitation for you to stalk me.
I refuse to consider how my attire will affect your libido.
I refuse to travel with a man simply to avoid your overt attention. News flash: I don’t belong to him either!
I refuse to pretend I don’t hear your disgusting remarks. I will respond and it will not be pleasant.
I refuse to listen to your wants and needs and decline them politely hoping to not offend you.
Instead I will tell you exactly what it is that I want.
I want to enjoy my walk, my swim, my coffee, my cocktail, my book
WITHOUT
you and your conversation.
Contrary to what you think, I want to be alone. I choose to be alone.
And what do I think about your machismo?
It is not cool.
It is not manly.
And it most definitely is not hot.
So please
just stop.
That was the worst part about living in Latin America. Being a woman alone anywhere draws attention, but being a white (very white), foreign woman in Colombia brought me scores of unwanted, undesired attention. Stay strong, sister! If only those men knew how liberating it is as a woman to travel alone, they might impart the respect deserved.
Thank you Rachel. They are relentless aren’t they?! I can’t imagine what it’s like for blondies! At least I’m brunette with a tan.
I have also found that being a woman with a larger chest gets me twice as much unwanted attention in Latin America. Hell, it gets me twice as much unwanted attention from Hispanic males in general, even in Seattle. I never had this problem when I lived in Europe.
Really?? I found Rome to be one of the worst places for cat calling, and that was in winter when I was bundled in a peacoat. Where did you live in Europe?
Germany for 4.5 years and traveled the surrounding countries. Never made it to Italy, surprisingly, but I can easily imagine it being just as testosterone-y as Latin American countries. Italy is up next on the list but I will be with my hubby and his appearance pretty much discourages any and all harassment, ha!
Beautiful.
Thank you Amanda 🙂
I hate cat calls/obscene comments or faces! I’m not sure what those men think they are accomplishing.
I feel lucky to have a manly half in my life and enjoy that his presence deters many of those men.
Ignoring them has always worked best for me.
I wish you strength and determination when dealing with whatever makes YOU feel best!
I too wonder that. Do they think that a woman will actually be interested… EVER? It must be a total lack of impulse control. Enjoy your bodyguard! It is definitely nice at times.
this is a response to a rather older post. just a few minutes ago i commented on your post to Facebook then i went ahead to your linked article.
why do they do it??? to them its WHY NOT. in their sick minds they think they have nothing to lose. before they made their lewd comments they had no girls to abuse. after the comment they mostly still did not have a girl(s) to abuse BUT SOMETIMES IT WORKS… they get some kind of response. you yourself mentioned later on in the comments that you knew some girls who did go for the cat calls, typically involving some level of drunkenness. and it is THOSE RARE times that makes it all worth while doing it. there is never any NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT to them. to them all reactions is positive regardless of kind of reaction ignoring them, cursing them, scolding them, accepting them whatever the reaction to them they enjoy it.
You make an excellent point Chris. I’ve tried every response imaginable in Costa Rica and Nicaragua and they don’t mind any of it lol. Here in Morocco sometimes they are ashamed if you call them out however.
A powerful post.
If enough women had the confidence and courage to start standing up like that it would help change things. Part of it comes from how some men are brought up (or not brought up), but part of it is learned on their own. And it can be unlearned. Give em hell.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for your insights John. I’ve wondered, do they think it’s a compliment? Do they think that one day it will get them a date? I’ve seen American friends of mine do it, especially when drunk, which is the most shocking of all. I guess there is usually no thought behind it.
Thanks for this post Camille.
Italy most definitely has more than it’s share of cat-callers.
When me, Jan, & Sylvia got our picture taken with a costumed ‘guard’ at the Coliseum, as the picture was snapped he used the point of his sword to [pretty aggressively] fondle my nipple! (I smacked him). And when we thought we were just getting a ride from point A to point B at a train station while sitting on our luggage on a luggage cart, only to have our driver circle us around and around (parading us really) while men chased after the cart cat-calling, whistling, and yelling “Bella, bella!” Then on the train ride headed from Naples to Sorrento, two Italians working on the train informed us, “Oh, you poor girls..” and that it was only going to get worse the further south we went.
Haha, oh my Barbie thanks for the stories!! Though I must admit, I do love the sound of the word “bella”! I cannot believe the guy at the Coliseum, nor can I imagine how bad it must be in the summer when the women have less clothes on. At least I had sweaters, coats, and boots as protective armor.
“Machismo” is a latin term however it is a pervasive abuse found world wide. Observe our Caucasian Corporate bosses, (in the USA) standing at the weekly board meeting with one leg lifted and rested on another chair. He is showing his staff his ” dominant primal package”. Abuse, at any level, lies in the heart of the individual, without a global cultural awareness brought on by the “peoples of the world”. through education and awareness campaigns ..there will be minimal change.
Always begin by taking a look at #1…yourself….because deep in each of our own hearts we deprecate or belittle something or someone either by thought or deed. All humanity is fallen.
Hi Camille,
I have traveled to Europe a few times as well as Latin America. I also see & hear it in the USA as well.
Its totally disrespectful. I being a man find it a total turn off. I think its fine to look without the cat calling.
I often wonder how these men would like it if they’re wives, sisters & mothers were subjected to this behavior.
By the way I love your articles & what is your favorite country in Latin Americe ?
Thanks Robert! Always great to get the male opinion on these matters. Hm favorite country in Latin America that is so tough! There are plenty of Latin countries I still need to explore but as far as price point, culture, and beauty, Nicaragua is hard to beat! What about yourself?
There is really no excuse for it, just plain and simply shows a total lack of respect. I am all for women reacting in a manner that embarrasses the culprit to the extent that it makes him think twice the next time.
Now Toby, how would I do that? They usually have no shame no matter what I say/do.
I can completely relate to this, Latin America is the worst when it comes to Machismo. There was even study done in Brazil that a large percentage (I can’t remember the exact number) of men think that women deserve to be raped because of the way they’re dressed. It’s a huge problem, but unfortunately I think it’s cultural and therefore difficult to change.
Wow, that is shocking and really horrible! There must be something we can do to move things in the right direction. I’ll be considering this more when I return to Latin America. x
I just found your website last night. I met a woman who really inspired me when it comes to travelling. The way she looks when she talks about it. I have always wondered too about the safety and financial problems on the road while listening to her and looking at her. And then I found your blog, it’s amazing how much I can learn by reading your adventures. I wish you the best of luck and I really hope I could meet you someday.. Pura vida 😀
Thank you so much Syber! I’m so glad to hear that my blog has given you some perspective 🙂
Awesome post, it’s crazy that we live in a world that still teaches men it’s okay to do this. And it’s all about them taking away your power so I’m glad you’re taking it back!
Very nice post!
Thank you Katy 🙂
It’s because you’re good looking! I beat ya, if you’re ugly and fat, those bastards will not even bat an eye….or worst, you’ll hear much much worse insulting words! It’s a double edge sword…..I would think.
It’s cultural and social status!…..and most men are just being men…..full of machismo…..and most, nothing else.
A well educated man will less likely to do it, but have him some alcohol or drugs…..and he would turn into an ape!
I am a father of two newly adult daughters, and I am guilty of admiring good looking women especially in nice clothes and or bikini. It’s instinctive….I look, and sometimes a few times, but hopefully offensive. Now, females must accept the fact that if you are wearing nice clothes, etc., you expect to be recognized and some actually welcome the attention….but I know there is a point where it becomes obnoxious…..if I do stare a little too long, pardon me, I’m just admiring….it doesn’t mean I wanna rape you…..I think there’s some of us who are like that. Those who go above and beyond admiring are sick!
For all the apes in this world, my deepest apology! I hope I don’t offend a lot of you when I gaze to admire a little longer than I should!
Mwahhh!
I mean “but hopefully, not offensive”…..lol!
Lol thanks Just a Guy. Appreciating a woman’s beauty is one thing, outright harassment is another! When I see an attractive man, I stare a little bit too sometimes. But not in an aggressive way that makes him feel like he’s being raped. I’ve felt that men were looking at me and it felt complimentary, it’s very different from what I’m talking about here. I wonder why some men take it to the level of harassment? They must not have self respect, because if they did, they would respect others.
Well said my sistah! #hatersgonnahate #machosgonnamache
It’s sad that the lack of non-secular education in Latin America and the Middle East has caused this extreme gender equality. The Holy Books of both Christianity and Islam consider the subjugation of women as “family values” and it’s quite sickening 🙁
*gender inequality*
I mean, it must work sometimes or else why would they keep doing it right? Do you have friends in Mexico who yell dirty things at women on the street? Actually, it’s happened to me in the USA too, not nearly as much, but it happens.
“I refuse to pretend I don’t hear your disgusting remarks. I will respond and it will not be pleasant.
Contrary to what you think, I want to be alone. I choose to be alone.”
YES. Thanks for this.
This was awesome. It’s so weird now with all the sexual harassment cases going on in the world, the cover is gone. But it’s amazing to me how used to shit like this you become. The worst was me picking up dog poop and I had a guy honking his horn at me woohooing me. Then, I had these guys follow me in a dark tinted car once as I was walking the dogs. They tried to talk to me and I just ignored them. Eventually, they went away, but it was an early Sunday morning with no one around. I turned around and went back to the apartment and I never wore those short shorts outside of my house again.
We were just in Chile (not harassment on this scale, but definitely machismo). My husband is English and only knows Spanish words like Hola and Gracias (and he manages to sound redneck if you can believe it). The older men refused to answer me in Spanish or English. They would only turn to my husband. My husband was looking at me like a deer in headlights and I would have to answer them. It was endless and it did get old.
I feel you sister <3 Thank you for sharing your experiences with us! I also recommend this read...
https://www.thisamericangirl.com/2015/10/12/cat-calling/