After nineteen hours, three exhausting bus rides, one border crossing, and a meal of plantain chips, yogurt, and cornmeal pudding, I have finally arrived in Panama City.
As I write this I am sitting in the lobby of a hostel, where I have been waiting, for the last two hours.
I made no reservation.
A few minutes ago, I discovered that the boat I planned to take directly to Cartagena
tomorrow
does not exist.
And yesterday was a first in nearly two months where my body did not move to the flow of yoga.
I feel out of balance.
I am fighting my urge to run back to my sources of comfort.
Back to Puerto Viejo where I have friends, a house, a routine.
Back to my mom who is baking at least three different treats as we speak, a full stick of butter nearby. Her comfy couch and an episode of Revenge waiting for me.
Back to biting my nails, a habit I owned since childhood that I finally let go of nine months ago
My thumbnail is being sacrificed as we speak.
But I know myself.
So I know
that when circumstances are unknown
when life becomes uncomfortable
I cling
to what is familiar.
Perhaps we all do.
When your
adventure
relationship
life
is not what you hoped it would be
do you start
packing
planning
your escape home?
Do you
think about
call
see
your former love?
Do you
reach
for memories
of times
when you felt content
and try
desperately
to recreate them?
Can you let go of what was
open your eyes to what is
and allow for what is yet to be?
How much time have you spent
have I spent
living
some way
somewhere
with someone
that did not make you happy
simply because
you were too afraid
to endure
the discomfort
of change?
Traveling forces me to breathe through my discomfort
allow myself to adapt
and let go
of what is behind me
so that I might instead
look around
enjoy
and trust
in the
amazing
life changing
experiences
ahead.
No matter how uncomfortable or scary it may feel
right now.
I know that I can
and you can
absolutely do this.
Whatever this may be.
Love this Camille! So profound. Good luck in all your adventures!
Thank you so much!
I remember how bizarre it was to walk the border from Sixaola into Panama. Then from there, the boat to Bocas. An earthquake, a horrendous flood, and one rocky escape via plane to Panama City later and I was spent. Enjoy your unexpected extra time in Panama City. After months of hostels, I treated myself to a hotel downtown with a rooftop pool and the best Peruvian food around 🙂
Crystal it sounds like you had quite the adventure!! For most walking that bridge is adventure enough 😉 Sounds like you definitely deserved a night of luxury. Mind sharing the name of the Peruvian restaurant with all of us?
Amazing beautiful 🙂
Thanks 🙂
Dear Camillia,,
Here in grey Seattle there is no baking going on.
I heard a rumor that all wheat makes you fat
yet 3 weeks of tortillas and bowls of fruit and yogurt later i am still curvacious.
Don’t worry,
When you come visit we will break out the butter.
There will be peanut butter cookies
and all the missed episodes of Revenge
Under the couch is a blue yoga mat
love you infinity
Mom
Ahh I can’t wait. Je t’aime beaucoups. ps. Madeleine and I are convinced that fruit and yogurt is the gateway to sugar addiction, as long as we’re happy right?
Camille…I can’t even put into words how your posts resonate to my very core. Thank you for sharing, and I know you can do this. We all can. <3
Thank you it means the world to me!
I needed this reminder today, as I am finishing up one last project for a difficult class. About six classes ago, I stopped enjoying my grad program. Every step has been painful since then, and though I still want to start a nonprofit–someday–I’m not quite sure this is necessary to do so (as I told myself when this all began). But I feel like I’m too close to the end (24 little weeks) to give up.
I procrastinated until today–well, not really because I’ve been dead sick for 2 weeks. I intended to work yesterday, but then yesterday happened. And there are dogs barking outside–more ferociously than I’ve ever heard them yap at one another. And my kitten bit me. Hard.
I am realizing, often, that the question isn’t so much if I can–it’s if I want to. And sometimes, I’m not quite sure what wanting means. I do want this to be done, though, so I suppose I’ll start transforming that outline into something real.
Thanks for sharing Alma. I was having a conversation about this very topic today and came to the conclusion that for myself, rephrasing everything in terms of “I want” or “I don’t want” is much more motivating than “I should” or “I can’t”. Hope you are finding peace in your situation and enjoying a break over the holidays.
YOU speak to my heart Camille. No joke. This is definitely something I struggle with and need to be reminded of daily. It is so easy to run away when one feels awkward, uncomfortable, out of place instead of just embracing it and learning from it. Sending love and our memories your way today.
P.S. Go do downward dog in the street…totally kidding..kind of.
xoxo
Nena
Thank you sweetie, I did actually do some yoga in the park with Jen and we ended up teaching some adorable kids. The problem was, the only way I knew how to explain postures in Spanish was “cuerpo”, “cambio”, and “arriba”.
You’re going to Cartagena?! It can be quite a magical place, that city. (It can also be dirty and smelly and occasionally unfriendly.) While living there I experienced all facets of the lives it has to offer. I only visited Panama City briefly and quite liked it. The shopping is very affordable. 😉
Rachel, would love some advice on where to go and what to see in Cartagena! Spent half a day there but was on another planet from 6 days of sailing. I’m planning to head back there next week. I love all the fresh fruit everywhere!
Its the non planned, less desirable moments in life that you grow and learn from the most from! Make the best of it all and move forward!
Yes! Some great advice someone once gave me was that when it starts feeling difficult is when the work begins. Everything is a lesson and we choose whether to learn from it or not.
This is wonderful and very inspiring! Thank you!
Thank you 🙂