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Coming Home to the Truth of Me

Ella Sri Lanka

 

There it is again.

The one I hate to see again.

The one I just can’t seem to end.

The one who knows the dark places I’ve been.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

It tells me I’m too fat

and just not very pretty

the same thoughts I’ve had

since I was eight and itty bitty.

 

It convinces me I’m awkward or annoying

fake and overbearing

that no one is actually truly

ever going to love me.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

It lures me to the men

who I know will just hurt me

keeps me repeating again and again

that same old painful history.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

It keeps me so small

trapped inside this box

because who the hell do I think I am

to ever free myself?

 

It warns me of the danger

and fills me with the fear

tells me all of the bad things that’ll happen

if I even dare.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

And every time I try

even if I succeed

I lose the taste of sweetness

cause it can’t help but berate me.

 

It refuses to let me celebrate me.

 

It tells me how I’m fucking it all up.

How no matter how hard I try it will never be enough.

I bounce between struggle and completely giving up.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

But as many times as I circle

around that old neighborhood

as many times as I get pulled

into those stories that are so old

 

if I can just remember

the voice that’s really me

in that very moment

I can set myself free.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

I remember that all the stories

don’t actually belong to me.

They were simply gifts

passed down through my ancestry.

 

All the voices of doubt

All the echoes of fear

All the worries of worth

I was just given to clear.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

I am not the voices

of any of my suffering

I am the angel who came to Earth

to bring about the healing.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

And when I just remember

the healing starts happening

I am breaking the cycle

just because I’m witnessing.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

Every time I let it

be whatever it needs to be

I am breaking the cycle

by simply allowing my feelings.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

And when I really let it

I see the gift it’s always been

when I really let it

I feel gratitude for where I’ve been.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

I see that every message

was teaching me how to love

by pointing to all the places

I still needed to learn to love.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

Even if just for a moment

I forgive every shadow of me

even if just for a moment

I am enough exactly as me.

 

Ella Sri Lanka

 

In the moment that I love it

I come home to truth of me

far beyond the stories

I return to infinity.

 


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Comments

  1. Beautiful! Thank you, I needed this reminder!