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Same Same Everywhere

krabi-13

 

An astrologer told me recently that my story was never going to change.
She explained that there was no escaping my hamster wheel.
No running from the cycle I know so well.

 

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No way out of
infatuation into
devastation into
transformation into
inspiration into
creation into
the next infatuation into
devastation… again.

 

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She kindly explained that like the stories told of all goddesses, my story is the myth that I live by. It’s the play I was born to enact. Which apparently means my story will keep going and going for as long as I live.

 

And so will yours.
So will all of ours.

 

Though, she actually saw this as a good thing. She explained, my story isn’t something to escape. My story is something to embrace. Because my story is the very thing that gives me my power.

 

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Since my first crush in Kindergarten, my story has followed that of the Hindu Goddess Radha. In fact, several months ago I even wrote a post about it called “How to Love a Man Like He’s God.” After writing it, I discovered that in Vedic astrology, I literally am a Radha. My sign is called “Anuradha” which translates to, “another Radha” or “another devotee of God.”

 

Radha’s story is one of heartbreak, yearning, and ultimate devotion. It’s passionate and sexy, tumultuous and messy, and it shows how devotion can be channeled into anything. Sounds a lot like my life. Like Radha, my greatest transformation, inspiration, and creation has always come from the devastation following my romantic infatuation. I’ve used my heartbreak to travel, to become a writer, to inspire my women’s retreats, and to heal myself. Most powerfully of all, I’ve channeled my unmet passion into falling in love with life.

 

And according to this astrologer, I am bound to that story for life.

 

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Her message rang loudly in my ears last week when I landed in Thailand. After leaving behind Costa Rica in an attempt to end my old story once and for all, I didn’t feel like I went anywhere. It was like I had blindfolded myself while the stage crew changed the set. Had I actually left Costa Rica? Or was it just painted differently? Was the airplane ride real? Or some strange charade?

 

One thing was for sure, the backdrop may have changed, but I was still the same character.

 

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The first time I touched Thai soil was three years ago. Back then I was also trying to escape my story in Costa Rica. I was uncertain where I belonged and hoped to release the heartache I carried as a consequence of unrequited love. (I also really wanted to experience Southeast Asia. Because, well, Southeast Asia is amazing.)

 

Ironically, the same day I landed in Bangkok, I started another unrequited love story with a fellow traveler. He may have been a different man, but he played the same role. The plot thickened over the months that followed, I got more attached yet pretended to be detached, and suffered a lot over our exchange. But I also grew tremendously. He inspired me to feel again and I allowed the pain to crack me open and deepen my compassion.

 

krabi-6

 

Since then, despite traveling all over the world, abstaining from sex, studying yoga, Reiki, meditation, Osho therapy, tantra, breathwork, sacred femininity, learning to love myself, and doing everything possible to transform into a new woman, I’ve kept living this story. Again and again.

 

Much to my dismay, changing locations never made it stop. Changing myself never made it stop. Pretending to be bigger than the story never made it stop. Like this astrologer reminded me, the story does not seem to stop.

 

krabi-8

 

But… I feel different. Every moment. Every day.

 

Even though they’ve been short lived, my romances have gotten healthier. I see the warning signs earlier than later. I’m getting better at expressing my feelings, my needs, and my boundaries. I’m learning to take greater ownership of my role in every exchange. I’m learning to be compassionate. I’m learning to be empowered. I’m learning to be a woman in the story instead of a girl. All of which has blossomed out of the ongoing journey of knowing myself, that took off the moment I stepped on a plane.

 

krabi-9

 

Leaving Seattle for Costa Rica, leaving Costa Rica for Southeast Asia, going back to Costa Rica from Southeast Asia, leaving Costa Rica for Europe, leaving Europe for Costa Rica, and now leaving Costa Rica again for Southeast Asia, these transitions never really changed my story. But they did change my life.

 

Travel allowed me to question the way that I was acting in my life, my relationships, and in the world. Travel helped me expand by forcing me to be uncomfortable as often as possible. Travel taught me compassion through confusing the hell out of me, and realizing that the only thing that makes any sense is love. Travel changed my perspective by exposing me to difference, and sameness in difference. Travel gave me the space to see everything from a consciousness greater than I had previously known. Travel offered me a new lens for looking at life.

 

krabi-10

 

That’s what travel has always done for me. And that’s what travel is doing for me, right now. In Thailand. With a new lens, I am living another experience. I am looking at life from another perspective. Not away from my story, but within my story.

 

Yes, once again I came here to expand beyond who I settled into in Costa Rica. Yes, once again I came here because I needed to put an ocean between me and the man I love but can’t have. Yes, once again I moved my location to find what I thought I needed.

 

krabi-11

 

However this time, it feels easier. I’m secure in what I’m creating, how I’m growing, and that I’m supported through my work, instead of hustling to write freelance articles to get by. This time, I’m staying in an oceanview bungalow instead of a mattress on the floor with ten other backpackers. This time, instead of getting scammed every day, the locals help me every day. This time, instead of feeling disconnected by poverty, I feel intimacy from people sharing their prosperity. This time, instead of being constantly surrounded by travelers, I’m enjoying some of the most beautiful nature in the world, without another soul in sight. This time, I’m going to bed before ten instead of staying up all night. This time I’m celebrating the full moon not with buckets and day glow paint, but by singing medicine songs around a bonfire with new sisters just after sunset. This time, life feels peaceful instead of hectic. This time, there’s a lot more magic.

 

Partly because, I have changed. I know myself better. I know my needs better. And partly because this time I found the place I longed for in Southeast Asia last time.

 

krabi-12

 

I’m surrounded by the stunning lime karst mountains that sparked my Asia wanderlust years ago. I can discover deserted waterfalls and caves and islands and enormous trees whenever I’m up for an adventure. The locals are possibly the kindest, purest people I’ve met anywhere. Everyone acts like a family and helps one another. There’s a genuine, unpretentious yoga and healing community. The expats I meet are dedicated to supporting the locals through their businesses. Even the fanciest resort on the island is built out of all natural materials, has preserved a lot of the jungle on their land, and grows its own food. At times, this place feels too good to be true.

 

krabi-2

 

Yet… just like in my jungle love Puerto Viejo, change is coming here. Trees are going. A bigger dock is being built for bigger boats. Areas once deserted are now tourist day trip destinations. Rock climbing has basically been banned at the north end of the island to make way for resorts. Development is happening here. Which often means, magic is leaving.

 

As I’ve been heartbroken to discover in five years of travel, just like I can’t escape my own problems, I can’t escape the world’s problems when I run away. They will always come to greet me. The same way I can’t exit out of my story, I can’t exit out of the world’s story as it plays out in my reality.

 

krabi-14

 

No matter where I run, I still see paradise getting paved. No matter where I run, I still see culture being diluted. No matter where I run, I still see how I’m playing a part in it. No matter where I run, I still feel separate from nature. Same same everywhere. This story hurts me more than any unrequited lover ever has.

 

I know this story well. The collective human story, where we all play the destroyers of the Earth. I, like so many humans, feel guilt and shame over my role. And it seems that just like my Radha story will go on for as long as I live, this story will go on for as long as humans live.

 

But… what if.. entertain me for just a moment.. that wasn’t a bad thing?

 

krabi-15

 

Could it be that there’s no one to blame? Could it be part of our evolution? Could it be us living our story? Could it be divinely orchestrated? Could it be perfectly crafted? Could it be the very setup that we collectively need, to expand our consciousness enough to create the space for evolution?

 

Could it be, that the same way heartbreak has been the powerful force that shattered me open as a greater expression of love, our human shame, our belief in separateness, our violent outbreaks, and our constant destruction, is also becoming the powerful force that shatters us all open to a greater expression of love? Could it be that none of us are the victims or the villains in this story, but the angels?

 

krabi-16

 

I’m not suggesting we do nothing. I’m not suggesting that at all. But, I’m wondering if we might shift our perspective, so that we can use our stories to help us, instead of imprison us. I’m wondering if our stories can make us powerful, instead of powerless.

 

From my own personal experience, I know that kind of reframing begins with awareness and understanding. It begins with seeing yourself not as separate from your story, but as bigger than your story. It begins with expanding enough so that you give your character the space to evolve. Which for me, begins with travel.

 

krabi-17

 

As I watch my own evolution, from a heart broken Radha more and more into a heart open Camille, I hope for our collective evolution. I hope that we all gain the perspective to consciously act as the humans we came here to be. I hope that we all learn to love more deeply, one broken heart at a time. And I know that if I hope for it, I have to become it.

 

So as I live my same same story, I keep expanding my consciousness so that I can evolve into a very different woman.
As I live the same same story, in Costa Rica, Thailand, or anywhere else for that matter, I keep playing for a very different world.

 

Thank you Dr Katy Poole for the inspiration.

 

thai-retreat-home


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Comments

  1. Hi Camille, this was another amazing post. I love your vulnerability and insights into your own story and evolution. I also feel that we are not the villains that are destroying the earth but part of a beautiful transformation process and evolution for both humanity and the earth itself. As you said, everything is just as it should be. We can let go of that guilt when we are ready to.
    I also believe that while we may be continually living out the same story, we are not stuck in it. For years I was so stuck in my own story of always being sick, believing I would never be able to heal myself when one day, I was able to let that story go. The story changes when we change, as you so clearly displayed when you described the changes in the new way you are experiencing relationships. You are only stuck in a story if you believe you are. It takes a brave soul to choose a different story, as you are doing. It takes courage to love yourself enough to be willing to accept a new version of love and to accept all the parts of yourself that feel unworthy of it. I am cheering for you and so excited to continue reading about your evolution and insights! Sending much love..

    • Camille Willemain Says: December 20, 2016 at 4:55 am

      Thank you so much Lindsay I really appreciate your comment and your beautiful self. I’m really grateful to hear that you’ve transformed through your story, and that you see how I have too <3 And your blog is beautiful!! I love the name so much, ANewEarth.US! We ARE creating a new Earth. Thank you for your words sister.

  2. John Gilbert Says: December 19, 2016 at 11:55 am

    I sure do look forward to reading your posts. Welcome to 2017. :-)

  3. Your line, “my greatest transformation, inspiration, and creation has always come from the devastation following my romantic infatuation” resonates so much with me. Being a fellow world traveler, I have also used travel to escape heartbreak, not knowing in the process that my journeys would start to change me for the better. I was seeking to run away and put distance between the men who seem to keep coming and going, always leaving me brokenhearted, but I have become so much stronger through my travels, experiences, and self-exploration.
    Thank you for writing such a touching article. It brings me comfort to know that I am not the only one traveling daringly throughout the world trying to figure myself out, knowing that heartbreak has attributed to my growth. We must overcome obstacles to truly know who we are and what we’re capable of.

    • Camille Willemain Says: December 20, 2016 at 5:13 am

      Kate, thank you so much for your open and thoughtful comment. I feel you sister and I’m so grateful to always know that we have one another in this world for beautiful reflections <3

  4. This message was JUST what I needed as I reflect on my year, patterns in friendships and attempt to make sense of it all. I am recovering from codependency, and learning to embody my FULL truth more. It’s not perfect, it’s progress. And like you, I have moved quite a bit only to find the lessons keep coming. But this, this suggestion of it all being “good” and holy and meant, well…it is the one possibility I never considered until this moment. And I believe it was the missing piece to empowerment, acceptance and inner peace. Thank you love, for sharing.

    • Camille Willemain Says: December 20, 2016 at 5:14 am

      Wow, that is incredible. Thank you SO much for comment. I’m really really grateful to have shared that perspective with you! If you can afford it I really recommend having your chart read by this astrologer, I linked to her in the bottom of the post. I felt so much self acceptance from my reading… more than ever before.

  5. This post hits home for me in so many ways. I think we are collectively tuning into the same things (meaning human beings around the world) because I have had this exact same conversation many times over the past week. My women’s circle here in Bali this week was about destruction and how it’s a natural part of life and part of the “story” of the universe. But destruction means rebirth. The only way out is through and I think as this year ends we are seeing that we can’t run from our problems anymore. We need to face them and come together to solve them. The answer is love and I hope that we as a human race can live in love a little more in 2017. I am sitting in the airport on my way to Thailand. Sending you love and peace and an amazing women’s retreat! My heart wants to go so badly but my abundance (in the form of money) hasn’t quite kicked in yet the way I hope it will in the coming year. That’s the way I’m choosing to frame it instead of “I’m broke” 😂

    • Camille Willemain Says: December 20, 2016 at 5:15 am

      Yes yes yes!! Eva that is SO beautiful! Really, thank you for sharing. I appreciate you. Perhaps our paths will cross in Thailand in some way :)

  6. Kerry Wynn Says: December 21, 2016 at 2:56 am

    Thanks for sharing Camille. I feel the same and I often feel like I don’t fit in because I feel so deeply about it and so differently to most of the people around me. It’s nice to know there are others :)

  7. that’s a beautiful thought. i do believe that everything happens for a reason, even if humanity won’t survive (but i bet it will), nature has its way to reconstruct herself. universe is love, so what happens can only be good.

    keep the magic rolling, camille “radha” <3

    • Camille Willemain Says: December 22, 2016 at 6:36 am

      Thank you dear!! Ya that really brought me solace when I was in Mexico, seeing the ruins, and how quickly the jungle can devour entire civilizations. I also trust there is a waaaayyyy bigger story going on than I can imagine, and the more I give myself permission to joyfully play my part in it, the more I come into harmony.

  8. If infatuation and devastation is what drives you, perhaps you could try being infatuated and devastated by something other than a man. While the story can remain the same, the elements within it can always be changed to give your life a healthier and fulfilling direction.

    All the best. <3<3

    • Camille Willemain Says: December 22, 2016 at 6:28 am

      Thanks for your insight. Absolutely, actually that’s a big part of the Radha story. It’s all about channeling that unrequited love into falling in love with life. I certainly see myself living that story 😉

  9. It always astonishes me how parallel our journey’s seem to be. Your thoughts feel like they’re being extracted straight from my mind (but I must say you’re better at conveying them on “paper”). And I still can’t get over the fact that of all places you ended up on KYN which is the most magical little secret that holds a piece of my heart. Can’t wait to be back in March, perhaps you’ll still be there!

    • Camille Willemain Says: December 22, 2016 at 6:29 am

      That’s so beautiful!!! I’m blessed to reach your heart with my words, thank you. I’ll be here beginning of March but I’m leading a women’s retreat during that time, then my visa will be up. I would love to hear about your favorite spots in KYN :)

  10. I backpacked all the countries in SE Asia 27 years ago. I just returned from doing a repeat trip last year. I can report most of the region is ruined. The beaches are all either polluted or completely overbuilt, usually haphazardly. It was a real disgrace that the locals use their own land as a dumping ground.

    The locals had a clean slate and an opportunity to rebuilt in an environmently way in Phi Phi island after the big tsunami wiped the place out, but the rebuild is heartbreaking and the place is really depressing now. Paradise? not even close and not even worth a day trip.

    Bali is ruined.
    Railey Beach needs to be leveled and rebuilt.
    Boracay Island, ruined.
    Phuket and Samui…..forget about it.
    Ko Lipe….another paradise ruined.
    El Nido….the local beach destroyed and have to go to outlying islands to get anything resembling clean.
    Perhentian Islands…..garbage everywhere.
    I remember hiking to Monkey Beach in Penang and it was gross.
    Sihanoukville – unswimmable.
    Ko Rong – I believe you called it paradise years ago. I call it overcrowded and run down which I will partially blame on the backpackers.
    I could name so many more countries in SE Asia and their beaches but I think you get the point.
    I was in Koh Yao Yai, did not make it to Yao Noi. This island is undeveloped which was nice to see but the beaches, while not polluted were a big zippo. I see many travelers are trying to discover new Thai islands now that did not get any visitors 27 years ago. Some do still exist but these have no real services.

    Just look at this article Travelfish posted on his facebook page in Bali the other day. I can attest that this is accurate.
    The Asians do not give a crap a pollution. They simply toss their garbage into the sea as their garbage pail.

    http://stabmag.com/news/trash-floods-balis-beaches-again/

    You want clean incredible beaches, then head to Australia or Hawaii where the locals respect their beaches and they are spotless.
    Can the Asians ever learn? I doubt it very much and it makes me sad as I really enjoyed the slice of paradise that SE Asia was.

    On a positive note, so I do not look like I am just bitching, I did like the main Ngpali Beach in Myanmmar. (in front of the Thande Beach Resort). I also enjoyed one of the beaches in Koh Phang Ngn named Ao Thong Nai Pan Beach.

    Hope you enjoy your time in Koh Yao Noi. I heard it was a good place but odds are it will not remain that way.

    • Camille Willemain Says: January 1, 2017 at 9:02 am

      I hear you. I know, it’s really sad… may we all awaken to the precious treasure of this planet and respect it above all else.

  11. In South Africa, my Mum was a witch doctor addict and they repeatedly chanted stuff over me. They always said that I am unlucky and men will not want me. I heard these words spoken over me so many times by “fortune tellers” and started believing those words and living by those words. At the age of 51, I broke free. FREE. I am no longer the words of others. I am created, designed wonderously knitted in my mother”s womb. The plans of the most High are for my good. I eat raw foods, clean my body each day from their disgusting chants, look at myself in the mirror and repeat who I am. I cannot begin to tell, the miracles, yes miracles that have come into my life. I rebuke anybody who tells you that you are stuck in anything. How dare they. They are mere mortals who will die. I choose to believe the creator of the sun on my cheeks, the eagle so majestic. There are many gods but there is only one God and He loves me. He loves you. He has amazing plans for your life.

  12. That was beautiful Camille! Spoke right to my soul as I go through heartbreak and examine the role I play in my own story. I also see travel in the near future. :)

    Thank you, as always, for sharing your story. Wish you the best in Thailand!

  13. I just found your site and was excited to see you’re still active on it. Most Ex-pat sites and informative platforms are abandoned and forgotten about. I am disgustingly jealous of you even as i write this. I backpacked Western Europe for about 3.5 months and as you said in another blog post, I’m addicted and i can’t go back. It’s been 3 yrs since my trip into the unknown, I knew nothing, really had no direction and just just let life led the way. I found myself happier than i have ever been. I’ve been talking about CR for about 4+ years now. Always wanting and wishing to make that final jump to somewhere laid back and beautiful. Of course my fears step in and usually change my mind. It’s not the unknown that scares me, or even the bad things that can happen along the way. It’s things like getting work and holding it. I’m not rich, nor am i famous. So my journey would be a trip of my own, i would be the only person i’m responsible for. I like it that way, makes life easier. I don’t know, i think i’m just rambling at this point. I was just really excited to read about your stories. Anyway, back to work for me. I hope your travels are always wonderful and safe!!!

    Be well,
    Taylor

    • Camille Willemain Says: January 26, 2017 at 6:23 am

      Thank you Taylor. I’m touched by your message. I hear you, with the fears, I understand, and I also believe in you <3

  14. Hello. I found your blog after booking tickets to Costa Rica a few months ago. I just returned from a two-week trip there, and I really appreciate what you’ve written here; “No matter where I run, I still see paradise getting paved. No matter where I run, I still see culture being diluted. No matter where I run, I still see how I’m playing a part in it. No matter where I run, I still feel separate from nature. Same same everywhere. This story hurts me more than any unrequited lover ever has.

    I know this story well. The collective human story, where we all play the destroyers of the Earth. I, like so many humans, feel guilt and shame over my role.”

    It was devastating to see development destroying that beautiful country. I wept as I crossed the country into the Limon province and saw the mono-crops of bananas and the shipyard with millions of tons of them getting ready to be shipped.

    I saw the darkness behind the “eco-lodges” we stayed in, where greenwashing is the name of the game and making money is the truth.

    Your writing is beautiful, your story is inspirational. I appreciate you.

    • Camille Willemain Says: February 14, 2017 at 7:07 am

      Thank you so much I appreciate you! And I feel you. Seeing the banana plantations and realizing the pesticides destroyed the coral reef inspired me to STOP eating bananas unless I’m in the tropics. I encourage others to do the same <3

  15. Lyndsay Says: May 27, 2017 at 4:16 pm

    Hi Camille,

    I know it sounds cliche and much more basic than your beautiful insight, interpretation and analysis, but don’t you think you will just meet someone one day who can give you everything that you need and deserve? I do.

    I like you had my heart broken over and over again to the point where I lost faith in men completely. And then I started to notice signs and syncronicoties, which were in my case seeing multiple 2’s and 1’s. Following them led me to where I was always meant to be.

    Anyway I think that people cross your path to teach you what you need to grow. They are temporary. Teachers. Spirit guides. And when the right person comes along, (which they will in my opinion) you’ll be ready for them and be wiser for it. With the right person there will be no conditions and no exhausting games.

    • Camille Willemain Says: May 28, 2017 at 10:26 am

      Hi Lyndsay thank you so much for your insights :) Yes it’s like we’re always sending messages to the universe about how we want to learn our lessons. I learned many many lessons from these intense relationships and I’m grateful for them… but it’s not what I want anymore. I finally feel free and ready to stop learning my hard lessons through romantic relationships and to have reciprocal, mellow, balanced, healthy relationships. So happy you’ve found yours :)

  16. Camille, this is Literally my FAVORITE post that you’ve made! Every word you write resonates with me and it’s just incredible. I really am eager to learn about when and where you learned all of your crafts. As far as where you went to learn yoga and become an instructor and where did you learn Reiki and dance meditation? Did you learn it all within a short period of time or one new thing each year? Also is there any chance that you are an Aquarius? I might email you directly since I have so many questions :) This post was just incredible. It’s like you spoke the words as I was thinking them…