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A Letter to the Man Who Never Loved Me

puerto-viejo-1

 

I didn’t want casual.

 

I wanted love.

 

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I wanted to fall
To throw caution to the wind
To lose all logic and control.

 

I wanted you to take me
I wanted you to claim my heart
I wanted you to enter me and make me blossom
I wanted you to fuck me open to God.

 

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But I was scared
I was scared that made me crazy and needy
I was scared that if I were honest you wouldn’t want me
I was scared of the depth of my yearning.
I was scared of being “one of those girls” who deep down we both know I am
I was scared of losing you
I was scared of losing myself.

 

So I pretended to want less
I pretended to be less
Consequently I began to believe I deserved less
I consistently received and accepted less
I tried to be heart less
But I didn’t ever want less and it didn’t ever hurt less.

 

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And I’ve spent so many years blaming myself for that
Feeling unworthy in that
Feeling humiliated for that
Trying to be stronger than that
Blaming you for not giving me more than that
Making one of us big and one of us small depending on the breath.

 

But that never freed me from my desire for you
Nor did it ever bring me the love that I’ve wanted so desperately from you
It never brought me that love from someone new
It only made me smaller
It only built me more armor.

 

Honestly, I chose men knowing they couldn’t give me what I want
Cause with them I’d never have to give up what I’ve got
With them it’s clear that love doesn’t stand a shot
But beneath all my masks I’m still destroyed and distraught.

 

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Finally, I’ve had enough
Cause the shells I hide in hurt more than the deepest heart crush
And I’m so tired of this habitual mistrust.

 

Im ready to call on my courage and set myself free
I’m ready to forgive you without forgetting me
I’m ready to stop blaming you and take full responsibility
I’m ready to admit I never gave myself freely
I never gave more than the lovelack you gave me.

 

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I won’t forget all the things that you taught me
I won’t forget how much you showed me how to love me
I won’t forget how much direction and drive you gave me
I won’t forget how much this heartbreak has offered me
Though as much as I learned, I want to live more expansively
I don’t want to give up on the hope that another man could love me.

 

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I may have become my own knight and shining armor
But I want a man whose love will plunge me farther
I want a man whose love will rock me harder
I want a man whose love will break me wide open.
Even though that scares me.

 

Rather than diminish my impractical lovelust
I’ll let it rise up from deep in my gut
I will admit my wish to be taken
I will let my deep longing awaken.

 

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I will allow my innocent hope to conspire
And dream of a man who lights my animal angel fire
Who wants to know every facet of my feminine desire
Who wants to get drunk off my sweet juicy nectar
Who wants to unpeel every layer of my delicious flower
Who wants to love my heart in all of its delicate power.

 

A man who can stand strong in my insanity
Who will journey into the depths of me
Who honors me faithfully
Who absofuckinglutely adores me
Who ravishes me to eternity
Whose love brings me closer to the source of divinity
Who will receive the light of love that dwells within me
Who has the power to light the way for all of humanity
A man worthy of my womanly integrity.

 

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I want that.

I don’t want anything less than that
I don’t want anything less than a man who loves me like that
I don’t want anything less than a man who loves me with his whole heart
I don’t want anything less than my whole heart
And I didn’t want anything less than yours.

 

Whether it lasts for a moment or for an entire lifetime
I don’t want anything less than love.

 

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Whether or not I ever get that
Whether or not I believe a man can ever offer me that
Whether or not I always believe that I am worthy of that

 

I must know that I am worthy of wanting that
I am worthy of standing for that
I am worthy of opening to that
I am worthy of yearning for that
I am worthy of accepting nothing less than that.

 

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And if I truly want to have that
I know I must learn how to give that
I must learn how to open to that
I must learn how to love like that.

 

Because I always attract a man who meets me exactly where I’m at
I attract a man who reflects where my heart still needs to crack
Which means you and I were the same in fact
Even if I always loved you and you never loved me back.

 

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As much as it hurts to say this
As much as it hurts to let you go
I’ve got to finally release you
this I truly know.

 

So I will simply bless you
With the love I so desire
May you find a woman
Who sets your soul on fire.

 

May you find a woman
To love like I love you
May you find a woman
Who loves you like I wish you loved me.

 

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May I find peace in knowing
There’s a man who will love me too
May I finally find peace in knowing
He’s just never going to be you.

 

 


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Comments

  1. What a very powerful read , I thoroughly enjoyed the read and thank you for being open and honest.
    All your seeking is what we all want and deserve
    Any man would be very proud to have you in there arms and whoever it is will be a very lucky chap indeed.
    You sound and look amazing and I wish you every happiness and success.
    Happy travels x

  2. Brava!

  3. Thank you for this beautiful poem. And thank you for sharing your true emotions, desires and vulnerability.
    I can identify myself in so many ways in your poem and have made similar experience in the past.

    You will learn and love even much more, when you let go.
    Thanks for sharing!
    Love,
    Supi

  4. Katrin Saleike Says: October 3, 2016 at 7:40 am

    Camille – this is so beautiful! With this new ending I am still or even more touched then several months before.
    Love, Katrin

  5. I absolutely love this! thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. sometimes its hard for me articulate certain thoughts and feelings when it comes to looking for love but you did an excellent job. this part here really spoke to me:

    “And if I truly want to have that
    I know I must learn how to give that
    I must learn how to open to that
    I must learn how to love like that.

    Because I always attract a man who meets me exactly where I’m at
    I attract a man who reflects where my heart still needs to crack”

    i know i need to work on myself and love myself wholly and truly if i expect someone to do the same and if i want to learn to love and give that love to someone else.

    thanks for this poem <3 :)

  6. This American Stupid Girl Says: October 3, 2016 at 10:07 am

    No man will ever be able to stand in your insanity.

  7. Great articles, very deep, you inspire me, you are a gem, a one of a kind, don’t stop writing😎

  8. Dear sister, you are braver than you know! Love to you always.

  9. It’s funny the timing of this blog :)! I’m in a self help group all this week for codependency and I hope I can learn half as much about relationships in this week long workshop as I did in your blog !!! Very well written and presented !!
    Thank you again so much! Blessings to you always !:)

    • Camille Willemain Says: October 3, 2016 at 12:52 pm

      Wow, I am so grateful to hear how much you learned from this post! I wish you all of the healing, introspection, and clarity you seek as you dig into your week ahead. You are so brave for showing up and doing this work xx

  10. Oh beauty …. Thank you for going deep, for letting life stir you deep. Your vulnerability and honesty paves the way for us all to walk in that light. Thank you … You are brave, you are authentic … You are love. I love you dearly. ❤️

  11. Beautiful! I’ve had these same thoughts. Agree with this totally. Thanks for sharing!

  12. Kylie Everton Says: October 3, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    Beautiful poem, post and emotions. ♡♡♡♡

  13. Thank you so much for these beautiful, honest words. I need to make this my mantra. Don’t ever settle! Thanks again

  14. Hi Camille, I reflected a long momentbefore starting this comment. I really do not know what to say. It’s as if a thousand voices and emosions gathered into this one poem and my voice is there too. Almost daily, here in the city, I see women meeting, women at the movies, women alone on their bikes on Sunday’s, women alone in restaurants, women alone with their kids in hospitals or on the way to school. I ask myself what happened? What happened that we women are so abandoned. My sweet neice at 19 years old, so pretty, talented and passionate, unable to meet someone for longer than a night. What happened? But, I still believe in Love despite all of this, I still protect, nurture and respect my heart despite all the bleeding it’s done, I still choose to say no to the empty lure of fast love that only leave scars. But sometimes, I long so deeply for love, for strong arms, for caresses, for eyes meeting eyes in the morning.

    • Camille Willemain Says: October 4, 2016 at 8:48 am

      Rozanna wow, thank you for your beautiful words. They ring so true. In so many ways, so many layers, how the feminine has been forgotten and abandoned in this world. But, the feminine is awakening, and it begins with us. The men are catching up. I believe they are catching up. But ya, there’s not that many out there who are willing to stand strong like Shiva and show up for us with integrity. Their wounds run deep too. I’m going to keep loving them from a distance until I let the right one come close. Sending you LOVE that we can access in any moment, the world our lover, our breath our lover, life our lover xx

    • We all do my friend, as God made us women, we all do! Our cross to bear will ultimately lift us up and higher for example for all our sisters who need it! It is so difficult some days not to go chasing after something that will ease our want for human connection in the guise of a romantic relationship, but if we hold fast, treating ourselves with respect and high regard all the while, we win sister! WE WIN!

  15. I have always followed your travel stories but this read is very touching in all aspects,love the way you express yourself…

    Swati

  16. What an amazing poem Camille. Every time I read you, I feel like I am reading the story of my life. We are so alike in so many ways, it’s comforting to know that I am not alone in this world feeling this way. Always a pleasure to read you. I hope you never stop! xx

    • Camille Willemain Says: October 4, 2016 at 8:50 am

      Thank you so much Valerie, I’m touched to hear that <3 You are never alone, we are all in this together.

  17. Love this and love you xx

  18. I have read this several times now. Each time your poem awakens a different emotion in me. Thank you for your heartfelt story. That is what I find so wonderful about your writing Camille, your ability to put the raw truth into words that resonate deep within me. Thank you from the bottom of my soul.

  19. Thank you for such a powerful and authentic expression of your emotions – I really enjoy reading your posts but I have to say – this one touched me the most. I think that is what every woman really wants deep down but is scared to admit… And then as time goes on we tend to doubt more and more about the possibility of this ever even happening and continue settling for less than we deserve. Thanks for being brave and sharing all of this, you are a true inspiration. <3

  20. Beautiful. This reminds me of the year before I met my husband…I’d been hurt wide open. The healing of me that happened within that time helped me open up to him. Just beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

  21. Ramona Astrid Says: October 6, 2016 at 11:31 am

    Fu**ing Brilliant! Thank You! :)

  22. Camille, can you do an updated travel guide to Puerto Viejo, now that you’ve lived there a few years, and Maybe include info on that beautiful waterfall you always feature in your pictures. I’ve been twice but have trouble finding these elusive waterfalls and I would also really like info on new places to check out when I am there.
    Cristina

    • Camille Willemain Says: October 9, 2016 at 8:33 pm

      Thanks Cristina, ya I am overdue for an update, I will create one soon. With the waterfall I’m going to leave it out of the guide because I prefer that it doesn’t get too crowded there. Befriend an expat or a local and they will show you where it is.

  23. Camille,
    I found your wonderful blog a few weeks ago and I have really been enjoying all of your articles. Your writing is clear, beautiful and most importantly, honest. I know without a doubt that you are on a path of spiritual enlightenment and you WILL find what you are searching for. You have created amazing experiences in your life to open up to the divine love within yourself. I just started my own blog and your writing inspired me to put it all out there, the good, the bad and the ugly, as you have done. Your courage to share your journey with the world touched my heart and I will continue to follow your writing. You are a beautiful, incredibly brave teacher.
    Lindsay

    • Camille Willemain Says: October 9, 2016 at 8:34 pm

      Thank you so much Lindsay for your very encouraging comment. I wish you so many blessings on your blogging and life journey <3

  24. Thanks for sharing, Camille! Nothing is more liberating than opening your heart and facing that raw pain head on, even if its been awhile. There are some people we’d like to fight for till our last strength then we realise that if they didn’t want to be part of us in the first place, they probably don’t deserve to be in ours…. then we just have to let it be. hugs to you, strong woman

  25. Hei This American Girl.

    I just wanted to say that at the time when I’ve really been close to shutting down my blog and that kind of attempt at a lifestyle business, you’ve kind of picked me back up by providing just the bits and pieces I needed to keep going a little bit longer, and get to the next point where enthusiasm and understanding about how to do things once again takes over.

    Thank you!

  26. So, I know I’m a dude and I’m totally not allowed to feel this way, but a lot of this resonated with me.

    Obviously there are differences in the ways we want and the ways we are let down, but I loved this. So raw and open and honest, and at points so unerringly like how I’ve felt in the past that it hurt.

    Thanks for having the bravery to share.

    • Camille Willemain Says: October 26, 2016 at 8:59 pm

      Hey Chris, you are absolutely allowed to feel any way that you feel. It’s nice to hear that it resonates with a man. And thank you so much for acknowledging and enjoying this expression from my heart xx

  27. Since i discovered your blog,it have been great source of knowledge for me.i am in a state where i need to travel out from a lot of weight on me,but getting visa as a nigerian is a problem.Moreover,sustaining my travel is another because my family problems took away all my savings.I want to start a happy life and heal myself.cheers

  28. Hi Camille! I just re-subscribed to your email updates.
    I was looking for one of your articles which had a PDF of how to mix essential oils and make that you’ve sent with your email before. It was very helpful!! But I cannot find it on your website. I’d love to get that again if you could direct me to the right page:) Thank you!

  29. […] A Letter to the Man That Never Loved Me – This American Girl […]

  30. Amanda Batista Says: November 15, 2016 at 12:19 pm

    This is so beautiful and so powerful. I’ve been going through a hard situation too and just wish my heart could feel like this soon… I never thought letting go could be so difficult.
    Anyway, just wanted to say that your poem is really beautiful and it really touched me. I have recently discoverer your blog through a link the “Travelettes” posted on FB and I really like the things and the way you write. Thank you for sharing your feelings and ideas and making my day better when I read it!

    • Camille Willemain Says: November 22, 2016 at 6:16 pm

      Thank you so much I’m really happy to hear that! And I feel you Amanda, letting go is tough. There’s a great quote by Osho that goes something like “the apple stays attached to the tree until it’s ripe.” I’ve been practicing being ok with my struggle in letting go, and knowing that I will let go when I’m ready.

  31. Wow, Beautiful! This felt so relatable. I think I’m in love with your blog <3

  32. This is so incredible. As a female who has been raised to believe that feminism entails doing everything for myself with a stubborn desire to be independent, I am constantly learning how to be open to being provided for and taken care of in certain ways. That being protected by a man doesn’t mean I am weak. That there is still space for me to be a protector as well. There is so much power in divine womanhood and femininity and just because it doesn’t manifest in the same ways as masculine energy does, does not invalidate it or make it weak. There is so much true strength in vulnerability.

    Women are not crazy for being fierce, passionate lovers, and it’s hard to live in a society that shuns them for it. I even struggle with being around sarcastic humor sometimes because it feels inauthentic. But I believe in the coming shift of consciousness of all sexes though. As a woman, for me this means it’s time to hold myself accountable for how I’ve been settling for less than what my heart desires. I want true, deep, spacious love as well, and I’m letting go of the men who could never give that to me. Sending forgiveness to the past versions of myself who could never confidently ask for it.

    So much love to you, thank you for your vulnerability xo

    • Camille Willemain Says: December 25, 2016 at 5:17 am

      Yes, yes, yes, I feel you soooo deeply sister. Every word. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you <3

  33. This feels so familiar and it’s so beautifully written it actually made me cry.

  34. I came upon your work while idly searching for how to travel when your broke, and hours later I’m still reading!

    This is absolutely gorgeous. I have been feeling stuck like you used to feel stuck, 5 years out of a divorce after nearly 20 years of marriage; 10 months out of a 2 and a half year relationship where I slowly suppressed my true self to mold my life to his. Alternating between feeling powerful in my womanhood and just another emotional wreck with a steel door in front and a fake smile.

    This is beautiful my friend and my heart is overflowing! Our light lies in our vulnerability and the creations the come from it, our strength and endurance, our perseverance, faith, love, perception suddenly become undiluted and stronger through the fetters of negative energy that accompany grief, fear and self negation.

    • Camille Willemain Says: January 2, 2017 at 8:54 am

      Jessica, thank you for finding me. I honor your strength and softness dear sister. Aho on this journey of the open heart!!! xoxo

  35. I have never written here and do not know if Camilla seas the light from each reader but in looking at her love poem to her ex lover I would also question if he could even have begun to see,the depth of her sea.Knowing that many of these love letters are dual letters,even though.The path of the Nagual and Horus embracing the sun is not for everyone.Sure people can shout pure vida from the mountain top but it is equally true that,a love of this nature is not equal in it’s cerebral power,nor are people even close to this ability or in understanding the abstract and back again into the concrete. I see two paths here a left and a right hand path.But most likely the power of nature and the environment makes it a a inner path solidified by her reference to yoga,esoteric astrology and the path there-in. Still a beautiful soul,but who truly understands these things?Has any of her lovers journeyed there and held conversation and seen and heard and just experienced. Who of her men can she say he has been there and is able to carry on critical analysis with her of these happenings and events.Does she simply experience all of this alone or with other women and nature?It is a fair question to one who chooses a lover?