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What I’ve Learned From Three Years Without Sex

SDN - 09
(photo by
Sarah Landolt)

 

The last time I had sex was three months shy of three years ago.

 

I was in Bali, in a thatched roof bungalow overlooking the ocean, draped atop a fluffy white comforter, in a mosquito net wrapped bed. My heart melted, throbbed, and bled for the London boy beside me, yet I struggled to relax myself open.

 

His flight left in three hours and it was clear that this was the end. Over the month since we met traveling in Thailand, I had grown attached despite the clear expiration date of our romance. I didn’t want him to leave, yet I couldn’t rip the band aid off fast enough.

 

Had I known it would be the last time I’d have a man inside of me for the foreseeable future, I probably would have gushed beyond my fear and savored his taste for as long as possible.

 

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But I didn’t plan to not have sex again.

It just happened that way.

 

‘Cause you see…

 

I’ve got the sex drive of a teenage boy, but until I really trust a man I’m tighter than a nun. I’m afraid of love without stability and commitment, but in truth I choose sexy and unavailable because I get bored easily. I rarely meet men who turn me on, so when I find one I want it takes me years to let go. I’m slow to open up, yet I bare my soul so readily I scare most men away.

 

Layer my paradoxical, intense nature against the transient landscape of travel, and you quickly see why I’m single and celibate. Besides, a man has really got to be worth it for me to want to spread my legs.

 

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Not to say that I don’t love having sex with men.

Quite the opposite.

 

In my pre-nomadic life I had never gone more than a few months without sex. From the time I was fourteen years old I was in committed relationship after committed relationship, so I always had a guaranteed source of sex. And sex fed me in so many ways.

 

Sex made me feel connected. Sex made me feel desired. Sex made me feel passion. Sex made me feel alive. Sex made me feel worthy. Sex made me feel love.

Sex was in fact the easiest way for me to feel love.

 

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But I didn’t want to have sex with just anybody.

I’ve always known my body to be a sacred gift, and I’ve never wanted a man to come inside who I didn’t want to worship me.

Heck, I don’t even want to kiss them unless they give me shivers.

And that doesn’t happen for me very often.

 

I watched my friends and television characters have one-night stands and meaningless flings and wonder what was wrong with me.

Why couldn’t I take sex casually? Why couldn’t I separate sex from love?

 

Since sex and love are inextricably linked for me, I stayed in some pretty unhealthy relationships because they offered me a guaranteed dose of the love drug. The oxytocin high carried me through all of our apparent incompatibilities. And the thought of being single and having casual sex, or worse not having sex at all, did not sound like an option for me.

 

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When I hit my quarter life crisis, my relationship had dragged me so low I could hardly breathe. I needed the space to find love outside of my ex boyfriend’s bed.

That’s when I flew to Costa Rica hoping to get some air.

 

In Costa Rica finding love was easy.

It lived everywhere.

 

In the ylang ylang perfumed air on a balmy afternoon. In the sensual caress of the warm Caribbean ocean. In the wild embrace of the jungle trees. In the heart of a young coconut and the juice of a mango. I found love. Passionate orgasmic love. Costa Rica made love to me.

 

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That’s also when I first experimented with sex outside of love. Specifically, with sex outside of a conventional monogamous relationship. Everyone else was doing it, and I wondered if it was unhealthy for me to be so prudish. Maybe sex didn’t need to be such a big deal.

 

But that didn’t work out the way that I hoped it would.

 

Since I’m a woman who feels love in sex, instead of casual I fell in love. Only unlike the monogamous relationships of my past, I experienced unrequited love. Love that ached and yearned. I spent years longing for him, unable to even find another man attractive because he possessed my heart so fully.

 

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So I went looking for love around the world.

 

I found it in the smiles of innocent children who waved at me as I flew by on my motorbike. In the adventure of taking chicken buses and living on pennies. In the humbling moments of shattering everything I ever believed to be true. Through the stories I told with my camera lens and the ink in my journal. In the magic of synchronicity. In the ultimate freedom of the road.

 

Though because I ached for it, eventually I found love in a man again. With the Brit I met over a smoothie in Bangkok and kissed goodbye under the sheets in Bali three years ago.

 

It hasn’t felt right to let a man in since then.

So I haven’t.

 

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During those three years I’ve met a few other men my heart pulsed for. But each time when the moment arose, I always said no. This one was leaving the next day. That one just wanted sex. The other one was looking for a rebound.

 

No matter how loudly my body screamed yes, I said no to protect myself from falling in love. I was afraid of getting hurt.

 

Meanwhile, I focused my attention away from having sex with men, and into finding love in myself. I had never chartered that territory, and it felt like a much safer place to start.

 

Like a modern day monk with a heavy dose of naughty, I channeled my devotion into discovering the love I had tasted on the lips of my unrequited lovers in myself. It wasn’t enough to like or accept myself, I wanted to fall in passionate sexual love with myself. I made my own healing, my own spirituality, and my own physical sensual human pleasure my greatest priority.

 

In those three years…

 

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I devoted myself to yoga, treated my body with conscious loving kindness, learned how to breathe and open my body to the sensation of love. 

 

I brought awareness and compassion to my patterns and let go of the beliefs that kept me stuck in unproductive cycles.

 

I got over my fear of not being a “great singer” and opened up my voice. I sang my emotions in love songs at the top of my lungs and chanted prayers for global compassion.

 

I reawakened my passion for dance, spinning in my underwear through the jungle, undulating my spine while riding my bicycle, and remembered that it’s the easiest path for me to divine sexual bliss.

 

I looked at myself naked in the mirror, told myself I was beautiful, and truly meant it.

 

I stood naked in front of a group of practically strangers, men and women, and revealed my insecurities and all of my sexual shame.

 

I held space for myself through a whole range of messy emotions with the tenderness of the one who loves me most.

 

I became intimate with my own body, and allowed myself the pleasure that I had withheld in the hands of the men I couldn’t trust with my surrender.

 

I tapped into sacred femininity and began using my sexual energy to empower and inspire me to take my place in the world as a woman.

 

I discovered the path of tantra, healed so much of my shame, and activated my energy to experience orgasms in my heart. Yes, literally, orgasms in my heart. And throat, and solar plexus, hell orgasms in all the chakras.

 

I created my own art of lovemaking, seducing myself in the sweetest way I know how, and holding myself afterwards in the most sacred loving embrace.

 

I became an absofuckinglutely amazing lover.

 

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And I don’t think I would have taken that journey if I still had an endless supply of love drugs juicing my veins through the body of a really sexy man.

 

I don’t think I would have learned how to make love to myself, if I was still preoccupied with loving someone else.

 

I may have been celibate for the last three years, but I’ve been having the best love affair of my life. I may not be having sex with men, but I’ve never felt so sexual.

 

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Simply, what I’ve learned in three years without sex, is how to love myself.

 

Still, as beautiful as that is, and trust me it’s really beautiful, I know it doesn’t stop there. ‘Cause I’m not a monk, nor do I want to be. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life enraptured in fantasy, monogamous with myself, only sharing my body with the silkiness of the sea.

 

As delicious as that is, I want more.

 

This love, this sweetness I’ve cultivated wants to be shared.
As scary as it is to share something that sacred, that’s what the nectar is meant for.

 

Which I realize means, when desire comes knocking, I’ve got to be a little more willing to get messy. I’ve got to be a little more willing to be vulnerable with my heart. I’ve got to be a little more willing to crack open and bleed. I’ve got to be a little more willing to get hurt. 

 

SDN - 06
(photo by Sarah Landolt)

 

but until that day comes

I’ll keep singing and dancing and touching myself to ecstasy.

I’ll keep breathing my heart wide open.

I’ll keep falling in love with the world.

I’ll keep learning how to love. 

 

 


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Comments

  1. Thank you. Sitting in my little cubicle office here in Vienna, Austria, overlooking the not-so-blue Danube. Feeling tears as I read your write-up and thankful that I am not the only one who loves sex but does not desire it outside of love. I do envy those though, who can give in and with total abandonment let complete strangers or almost-strangers into their sanctuary; I never could and hated myself for not being able to…until, I saw their eyes. Their eyes were empty. Their hearts wounded even though they claimed it not to be. Their behavior became callous and crusty, somehow, persistent casual sex seems to do that to people, at least, in my observation. And then, I realized, that preserving a certain innocence and sacred attitude toward my body, is beautiful and so worth it. However, should I ever meet someone whom I really feel attraction to again, I shall savor and appreciation the intimate moments much more than I ever did. Thank you for your honesty, the vulnerability that you allow yourself to show to us, complete strangers. I bless and thank you for this little escape where my heart can just exhale.

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 7, 2016 at 8:55 am

      You’re so welcome sweetie. Keep living true to yourself and your heart’s yearning <3

    • “this little escape where my heart can just exhale…”
      So beautiful. It is a blessing to share this space with you; although we are strangers living far across the globe, we are all ONE. And thank you Camille for creating a virtual space where we may connect and feel safe being our true self.
      <3

      • Camille Willemain Says: September 9, 2016 at 6:05 pm

        Absolutely. You know, I have been thinking of creating an online goddess circle, for women who want to share and connect in a really deep way. I’ll let you know xx

    • I understand how you feel towards casual sex (which is, thanks to Tinder and sexualized society, like ” must-do”) Rozanna, but it’s not because you are unable to do it/live it, that you have to bitch over those who are comfortable with it.
      My life and travels never led me to perform “casual sex” on a regular basis, I also need to know a bit my partner and feel somehow a connection to that person, but that doesn’t mean that I have never been able to just enjoy the moment without overthinking all of it and building fences and rigorous principles to myself.
      You can just live and enjoy something that leads to casual sex without having empty eyes, on the contrary, that passion, desire driving you makes the eyes all the more fierce and sparkling.
      While other monogamous, abiding by society rules couple have eyes much much emptier. Having sex with each other even if love has fled the couple for a while, but people staying together because they are afraid of being alone. Alone with themselves especially.
      That is, the real emptiness your read in the eyes, but you just focus on the single people’s ones, which is lame.
      Don’t let your jealousy/resentment/whatever you are feeling blind you.

  2. just what i needed to read this morning :-) i have a tendency to fall into quick and lusty love affairs with men from all over the world. which of course never works because someone is always leaving… i’m trying to be more selective in who i love and the reasons why… not because they are sexy or know how to move with my body, but because they are kind and have a heart of gold. those are reasons to open up to a man, both emotionally and physically.

    may we find only the most kind hearted and gentle men to open us slowly, fully, deeply
    <3

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 7, 2016 at 8:56 am

      Thank you so much for your blessing. Something I’ve been playing with lately is…. is it that they don’t “work” or is it that they don’t work in the conventional way that I think they’re supposed to?

    • Rex shevian Says: November 27, 2016 at 1:16 pm

      You are right. Sex in a committed relationship is beautiful and tends to be more rewarding. I have passed through exactly what you have been passing through. I consoled myself by burying my frustrations in books and music even though I knew that it was only an ephemeral cure. Never settle for anything other than the best

  3. Lovely read and fully understandable . It’s been four years for me , mainly due to where I live etc but I have lots of friends etc, and no I’m not gay it’s just hasn’t been right or just haven’t met the right lady.
    Happy travels x

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 7, 2016 at 8:57 am

      Thanks for being the male voice here James! Interesting to me that men seem to have this idea that not having sex makes you “gay”… hmmm. I wonder where that comes from. Nice work honoring your body and staying true to yourself. xx

      • Mainstream folk are under impression that if your a single guy etc you must be gay , not sure why as I’m not.
        i respect folk as to what I see not what I hear etc and I think that’s where the problem lies.
        Live love and respect all.

  4. 3 and 1/2 years! Similar reason. The men I am attracted to these days are so clearly not right for me or not wanting a relationship. Don’t know what is going on, but it’s given me time to focus on my own life in a very positive way. When the time is right I hope I will be attracted to more suitable men!

  5. Great piece, Camille You put into words what I coukd niot. Thank you!

  6. Wonderful write Camille, good vibes from Barcelona <3

  7. First, you should never separate sex from love. You have to feel in love in order to have sex, even if that’s just an one night stand and that love you kinda feel is just for a brief second.

    Second, you shouldn’t give yourself short. Never. Random hookups are to be experienced under amazing circumstances where there is a great connection with the guy. Even if he leaves tomorrow.

    Last but not least, since you’re a nomad, it’s hard to have something stable. But it’s very risky to just hook up all the time. Imagine doing that for the past 3 years. Imagine the infections you would have gotten with no proper medical treatment.

    What I’m trying to say is that it all happens for a reason and that reason is yourself who you are true to.
    You’ve chosen a lonely path and you’re walking on it on the safe side.

    I am sure I wouldn’t have done the same.
    And I advice you to find a partner soon. But to find a partner, you need to grow some balls and throw yourself out there, no matter how!

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 7, 2016 at 9:55 am

      Thanks Anna. I’m surprisingly triggered by your comment. I appreciate this opportunity you’ve given me to be with myself and feel into it deeper. May you feel all of the love that your heart desires. xx

  8. This was beautiful. I also can’t imagine sex without love. :) Thank you for sharing your journey, being in touch with ourselves is the best gift love can give. <3

  9. This post was amazing:)
    It is truly amazing that you have come to find and love yourself through travel, built such a high respect for yourself, AND have the wisdom to recognize your changes and understand what the next steps are!

  10. “I watched my friends and television characters have one-night stands and meaningless flings and wonder what was wrong with me.”

    ^^^This. I’ve been single for going on 4 years now and for the past 2 or 3 of them I haven’t really had any desire for sex without love. I’ll get turned on and want something, sure, but when it’s come down to it I’ve usually turned it down to work or hell, sometimes just lay around at home. I used to sleep around all the time, but it lost its appeal to me at some point. And all my friends who are in relationships are trying to live vicariously through single me, and I just repeatedly disappoint them when I don’t even try. Hahaha

    The past couple months I’ve been trying to work on remembering that sex can just be fun, and it doesn’t have to mean anything. But at the same time it’s hard because in some cases where I enjoy sex with someone but don’t see a future with them, I know I’ll just end up breaking their heart if the feeling isn’t mutual. Sometimes I wish I could just be like the majority of people!

    Your words here really connected with me. Thanks for sharing. Feels good to know I’m not the only millennial in the world who doesn’t care for meaningless hookups anymore. haha

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 7, 2016 at 11:04 am

      Thanks Tom! Awesome to hear the male perspective!! Have you ever read David Deida? He’s one of my favorite authors, writes about sacred sexuality and he has a book called The Way of the Superior Man. I highly recommend it to all men 😉 Right now I”m reading Enlightened Sex which is gorgeous for men and women to understand the deeper meaning of sex, beyond the puritanical Christian ideology and the shallow egoic humping that’s become so common.

  11. Thank you for a refreshing perspective on learning to love yourself. I feel desirable if a man wants me, when I feel that connection on a primal level. I think you are brave for saying no to those men you connect with sexually but know they are not right for you. And without love it never works out in the end.

  12. Don E. Webster Says: September 7, 2016 at 11:39 am

    Refreshing candor. Willingness to reveal and share vulnerability offers opportunity for personal growth, both for you and for us. Thank you.

  13. Hi Camille,

    Thank you for this post. Although I do have to chuckle at myself when I read postings like this. 3 years and 3 months?! LOL I’m a women of a particular age and have never had sex. Not by choice but more circumstantial. Believe me I’ve tried and something happens when it doesn’t. It has taken me years to come to terms that the reason it hasn’t happened has to be divinely guided. In the meantime I have taken the path to radically love myself. Which in turn I became a Tantra instructor. (OH the irony!) :) As much as I yearn for the experience of have a man inside of me I too just can’t have a random “hook up”. p.s what was up with the comment about having to find a partner soon? That was a trigger for me as well. Everything happens in divine timing not our time. As we are on our own path….. Also, if though I don’t “know” you, you’re one of the most open people I know! Girl do you!Oh wait that came out wrong LOL you know what I mean! 😉 xx

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 7, 2016 at 1:54 pm

      Haha, thank you so much Cheryl for your vulnerability. Yes, tantra has become such a beautiful beautiful path for me to see the deeper meaning in sex. I’m happy to hear you’ve used your challenge as an opportunity as well <3

  14. 3 years is not this much, you should check my life 15 years without sex, total hell.

  15. you are amazing!

  16. Great post! I have recently decided that I am not opening up my legs (sorry to be blunt :)) until I find a body/mind/spirit connection. Your post helps me to feel so much less alone in this….in the age of OkayCupid, Tinder, etc. etc. it’s easy to feel alone. You are an incredible inspiration. In a few short months I will be embarking on leaving the U.S. to teach English overseas and I am scared crap-less. Your posts have helped me immensely, thank you for doing what you do. Feel free to drop by my blog if ya get a chance! https://ilonasmeditationchallenge.com/ :)
    –Ilona

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 7, 2016 at 4:19 pm

      Thank you so much Ilona I am so excited for you and I’m really happy to hear that my blog has helped you!! Your comment helps me feel less alone in this 😉 xx

  17. Camille!

    Thank you thank you THANK YOU for unabashedly sharing your heart and soul with us. You are so brave, so beautiful, and so inspiring.

    Today I wrote an entry in my journal about this very thing… I used to NEED sex. Not one-night-stand sex, but romantic sex, loving tender wild passionate sex; with someone I am “seeing”, yes, but in a very open relationship, with no blind promises or commitments to one another about monogamy or about the future. And still, I love this MO, and would probably take an opportunity to continue it. But… the pleasure and excitement of this kind of sex, even when there is love, is still lacking something. It doesn’t feel like total oneness, 9th level orgasm, complete surrender love-making. Something…. something is missing.

    And I’m changing. Yes, I still do love sex. I still want it, and think about it. I still get soaking wet when I flirt with sex, when it’s right there waiting for me to open up. But this craving (like many cravings recently) is losing it’s grip of me.

    I am growing. I am discovering the art and feel of making love, without sex. I love. Always. And I’m still figuring out how to FEEL love, how to give it freely and to receive it deservingly.

    And in this growing process, I am naturally beginning with myself! This year, I have opened up to the bliss of true self love, and understanding what this means.

    Camille, I am waking up! I am allowing…Spirit, she enters me, through the breath of surrender, and she plays with me, lovingly and sensually, touching my body and soul at once. She bends the illusions of this world so they dance before my eyes. She flows with the best waves, so that I vibrate and pulse with the frequency of the water, the music, the earth. It is opening, and full of pleasure! Wow! Chakra orgasms! Who knew?

    I am learning how to be comfortable naked and exposed and vulnerable, and to see myself with loving eyes that say “wow, you are so effing beautiful” — and mean it. I love what you said about holding space for yourself and all your messy human stuff, with all the compassion of one who loves you most. I am JUST now becoming the one who loves me most! It is the most incredible, freeing, blissful feeling in the world, when you can truly love yourself. And, when you allow your true self, divine spirit, to flow through every particle of your physical body, and play with you lovingly and sensually… the orgasm is moving and unreal! I completely surrender to….me.

    Of course, I still love sex, that physical love making with another human. And I do wonder, where is he, who is truly inside me, even now? I do wish to experience sex as the completion of an undeniable cosmic union; the physical expression of true, deep, eternal love.

    But honestly, I am in no rush. I am just now beginning my journey of self-remembrance and self-love, and Camille, it is incredible! And I can’t tell you how grateful I am to read your own unique story, breathtakingly beautiful in its precious vulnerability. Thank you for sharing. And in fact, this very day I asked myself “am I crazy for simply not having sex… even when in bed with a friend, whom I love and cherish and who wants me so badly, even when I’m wet and craving that sweet release of sex?” I have the opportunity, and there is nothing wrong with seizing it. I have no ‘good’ reason or explanation for why I am celibate right now. But, I don’t need one!!

    I am also learning to think less and feel more, and to trust my intuition. And right now, I am so fulfilled with all these lessons of self-love, which bring a whole new form of pleasure, that the craving for sex is simply losing it’s grip…

    And at the exact moment I was wondering, “so, am I going to have sex tonight?” and feeling like a prude for simply not wanting to, I saw your email. I read your heart, your journey. And I feel so, so, so connected to you, soul sister. I feel more ME than ever. I feel truth. I feel love. I feel surrender.

    Thank you Camille. You are an abso-fucking-lutely amazing lover. <3

  18. Lady, this is awesome. You are brave for sharing so deeply and intimately these details. I felt like I was reading about myself (without the 3 years bit). I have a crazy sex drive, but casual sex is painful and not for me (and unfortunately it took me a long time to figure that out!). Now with my impending single status, who knows when the next time will be. ugh.

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 9, 2016 at 5:58 pm

      I hear you love. All we’ve got is this moment. This moment. This moment. So I practice giving myself the love I yearn for in this moment. And learning to receive the love I yearn for in this moment. Opening more so I can give the love I yearn for in this moment. I love you sister, thanks for walking this path with me. You’re brave <3

  19. Thank you for sharing your true story. Funny that I found your blog while I’m discovering the same thing for myself. Thank you for a juicy inspiration.
    Lots of love :)
    PS. Your readers are awesome too. Beautiful people :)

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 9, 2016 at 5:59 pm

      You are so welcome, and I totally agree!! The level of compassion in these comments is gorgeous, and especially nice to see it coming from the men too. Love you Dominika. xx

  20. Miriam Antonieta Carpenter-Cosand Says: September 7, 2016 at 11:21 pm

    My Camille,
    I feel so connected to your words because I just experience something very similar. I had a long distance relationship with my absolute everything, my energy was so focused on him that every single detail I saved an treasure, every word, every day was sacred.

    Until he stopped feeling the same or he just never felt it. Each summer for our time together, I tried to give us a trip together. So we could have entire days and nights for all the days we never saw each other. In our last trip, on the second day, he just told me we were nothing, without any ‘real’ explanation.
    My body told me these months before this, but I had this desire to believe in him so much, that I didn’t listen.

    Now, after three months… I am reconnecting myself to my body, soul and mind trough my words, painting and tango. I am taking more risks, I am accepting myself and starting a intense freshness on loving.

    I am very thankful for the experience, and to read your words, because I can see my reflection on you.

    Thank you so much,

    Antonieta

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 9, 2016 at 6:00 pm

      That is so beautiful and so are you Antonieta. I honor your journey so deeply. May you receive all of the love this moment wants to offer you. <3

  21. What a beautiful post ! As a guy it’s good to know how women think about sex. I am more like you in the aspect I give all to the person I’m having sex with. That’s a dangerous putting your heart out there like that but rewarding in a lot of ways as well.
    I hope the next person you’re with really appreciates you and what you have to offer!
    You’re the best !

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 9, 2016 at 6:03 pm

      Thank you John, so beautiful to hear this from a man :) If you’re more interested in knowing how women feel about sex, I highly recommend the book Dear Lover by David Deida. Written by a man and yet I’ve never read anything that resonated so deeply with me on a feminine level. Thank you for showing up in the world as a divine man. We need more of that energy xx

  22. Beautiful young lady,seems to have a really nice view from where you are,and a lovely fresh smell. not many people willing to explore the truth as that, in fact a handful globally,again i feel a lot of resonance in my journey to the self discovery you are making, as a man ive never paid for sex even traveling all over asia india bali vietnam,my heart opened so many times in these places with some so humble beautiful people, this kinda compassionate love has a higher vibration,and that,s not possible if the mind has an agenda.as sex without love then is from mind,and could be a miriad of mind sets.better to folow the heart as your great advice to me last time thank you so much for that.universal love and blessings.namaste.

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 9, 2016 at 6:08 pm

      Vincent, thank you. I appreciate you and your words so much. Keep spreading the love across the world. It’s an honor to share this path with a man like you <3

      • Hey beautiful sister thank you for your kind words, The honor is all mine to be in your world at this time. universal love vibes.

  23. This is beautiful awareness and practice, sweetheart. I so support you in being clear about what you want and not settling. It will come. And, so will you! And, it will be messy. And, it may be scary. And, you will soar. Big love. JK

    • Camille Willemain Says: September 9, 2016 at 6:10 pm

      Trixie, JK, Soul Father, thank you so much for your words and for who you are. Knowing you has opened me. Truly. I love you.

  24. THIS IS AMAZING. I relate sooooo much and I think my husband will, too! Thank you for sharing such intimate processes with us here. You’ve written this beautifully.

  25. This is everything, especially as I have just decided to remain celibate for quite some time. Thank you for sharing.

  26. Oh my goodness maturity has been a long time coming for me in regards to sex and love. Recently I have fallen in love with a traveling man, who re-awakens my own desire to be like him, open, flowing, living passionately. He is not going to stay…oh how that makes me feel like I’m bursting wide open spilling seeds like ripe fruit, ecstatic and dying…
    Your blog has inspired me so much and for the first time EVER I have let myself entertain the thought, that I could do this! I have always wanted to travel, but feel stuck in being stable and homebound for my two young daughters. I have lots of debt, but could just sell all that shit! I would have to figure out how to maintain some stability for them, we could be a traveling trio. I will continue to read all your blogs for ideas. Thanks so much for sharing your journey!

  27. Wow! Thank you for sharing. It resounds so much to every inch of me.

  28. I’m starting to feel that this is where I’m coming to in my life, and grateful to read an open, honest experience from another person. For a long time I felt like I should want to be with someone, so I was, and it would fall apart and I’d be heartbroken and fall into dangerous behaviours. Now I’m just starting to accept that I am enough, all on my own, and not seeking out other people for sex is okay. I can love myself.

    Thank you for sharing this post!

  29. One thing I wanted to share but didn’t get a chance to while I was there last week was that your post above and hearing about Hannah’s celibacy has inspired me to do it. I thought about it last fall – and was already 8 months in, but I wasn’t sure or fully committed. Now I am. I saw and felt what it brought to you and I am so happy to learn more about myself, my love and MY sexuality as you have spoken of. Much love.

    Amber

    • Camille Willemain Says: October 26, 2016 at 9:06 pm

      Thats beautiful!! I love you so much, so grateful to have shared time with you. I highly recommend diving into Dear Lover and Enlightened Sex as you explore your sexual relationship with yourself :) xoxoox

  30. featherlessowl Says: November 3, 2016 at 2:12 pm

    I like the article and the truthfulness and I have read a number of the comments. I see mostly female followers you have. With some male comments.

    But I will come out and say probably what you won’t agree with: but being in your youth and ‘prime’ and not having sex for a long time – bad idea.

    Listen, I get it – a number of people should go without sex for awhile and focus on themselves. But 3 years? Even 2 years? I have heard people not had sex for longer than 20 years.

    We, humans, are non-monogamous creatures. We have ‘indoor and outdoor plumbing’ for a reason and that is to mate and procreate.

    Again, you may not agree with this, but the reasons someone goes a long time without sex and mentions they are in search of ‘true love’ you are missing out on finding out who you really are. How many people you have slept with does not depict that you are a ‘whore’, ‘slut’ , etc. You learn, we all learn from experiences.

    So I see that you are traveling the world, and its for the experience – am I wrong? Well same goes for interpersonal/intimate relationships. Being addicted to sex is a different story, but having sex and the pleasures of it should be experienced.

    Anybody that would rebuke my statement has that right, but I say this as someone who has gone with sex for a year. I wouldn’t go any longer. I lost good health due to it, stress levels. I am an active person, read and work a spiritual program – I have done everything to combat the sex urge. But, again, its in our human nature.

    I hope those of you that read this learn something from what I have wrote and learn to loosen up a little bit.

  31. To the Restless one looking to connected to life.

    To understand your feelings, to know why you perceive things the way you do, to want simplicity with transparency, to want genuine feelings that connect, to be true to life yet free to express to be you.

    This world makes it hard because there are so many afraid to be transparent or open for fear that once found out people will walk away or judge or criticize. The darkness of this world has blinded the heart and the true light and love is hidden from view.

    Yet it is true all of us must change because we are alienated from the true life that was once given us. We are separated from the true source of life and the fullness of it. We think we know the way but the path is obscure and darkness is all around and filled with the unknown.

    We look for perfection that perfect ten, beauty before what is known on the inside. We look for what does not exist without the creator and yet there is something special and that special some one for each of us. No one is perfect no one can measure up to that quality or standard of which all of us have fallen without transformation. That person can only be found in the creator.

    Yet it is so much more than that one someone. It is found in the characteristics and nature of someone who is pure and free from all defect. To be connected with life and those who have it we miss. We have made life too complicated when it was meant to be simple.

    We want the joy and peace deep inside of us and yet where is it? We want a life without struggles, love without restraints, friends that are true and loyal no matter what happens but all of this escapes us because we have not the creator seated deep within us to show us the way. Its like a mystery that needs to be demystified. Yet the answers have been given.

    Relationships only have meaning when they settle down and touch the depths of the heart that genuinely are transparent and without shame and free from our past that continually haunts us. We must be restored to that place of innocence nothing hidden without malice or guile. When relationships can be transparent there is a coming together of life itself. True relationships will only be found when they are based upon getting to know the person on the inside before they see the outside.

    Its like the story of the virtuous woman in Proverbs thirty one. True beauty is that of the heart and the expression that comes from one who has found that place of purity. It can be said that it is what is on the inside that counts.

    Men and women were born to love but not the way this world teaches us. This world in itself is void of true love because it has lost the way and exchanged it for another way. Self gratification has taken over and now its all about me and not the other person.

    True love is never about me and always about the other person. When two people come together with that understanding and join from the heart there in is oneness, therein is love. When you find it you never want to let it go but the same feeling is in both who commit to those feelings and thoughts. There will never be another when that happens. But without the creator this is impossible to have or even to see. But in order to love that way we must be transparent with who we are and with our creator because if we are anything less than that it won’t work.

    The mystery must be solved and the keynotes that have blinded us must be removed. Life can only be simple when it is open and transparent and yet all of us want this deep down inside but we are caught in this web of self destruction that keeps us from it.

    Men aren’t what they should be they are superficial shallow and easily distracted by appearances that they never get down to the spirit of a true relationship. But women have fallen to the same lie. Yet there is hope because there are those who see something they can’t explain, know something they find hard to express.

    Many men and women play the game until they get tired of it. Things like virtue, integrity, respect, honor, dignity, virtue, wisdom, joy, love, knowing how to relate to one another because love sees things differently. Getting to know what makes a person the way they are what they love, how they are what they care about touching the inner most part of the being the coming together of two heart becoming one and I have found that there is only one way for this to be true and become a reality.

    I must be complete in the knowledge of who I am first and become one with my creator and than when that special some one comes along who has found their completeness in themselves and in the creator there is not this codependency but rather this blending of two hearts that have the same sound that flow the same way that know each others thoughts without saying a word.

    This world spends so much time with externals that it forgets that we were created with something on the inside that is deeper and more loving and compassionate and understanding and kind than anyone could imagine. But that kind of oneness and love escapes most of us because we have not connected to the source from which all life has its being.

    For me it was only when I found that connection with the creator that I even began to understand this longing for connection a man to a woman and a woman to a man. When I was able to love myself and be content within no matter where I was or what was happening around me. The true source and answer for these things is the creator.

    I am not trying to be religious here because the creator knows that there is far more of that than has substance and I am not one of those. I am talking about connecting with the one who created all things and with out him nothing can exist.

    I am talking about having such a deep seated peace within me that I am truly content and restlessness has taken flight. The purest form of love is found there. The compassion and understanding for others is found there. The true purpose of life is found there.

    We were born to communicate, to relate to see fellowship and life through eyes wide open and not glazed by the lies and deceptions of this world because of greed or personal agendas. Being free is not freedom until it escapes these things.

    We are all looking for connection but are going about it all the wrong way. We look to find that in others before we find our way back to the creator first. That inner peace and the joy of just living and having life is found there.

    Nothing truly satisfies us more than finding that place in the creator. Is it hard? Only as hard as we make it within our own minds. It is so simple that we miss it. Most of us find it in the twinkling of a moment in a time out of need or desperation. Yet he waits for us to open up to him to surrender our hearts to him to be restored to find the true meaning of life itself.

    We are all nomads in our own way. Some of us don’t wander far from home and others feel the need to break away from home to go to new places where we are not known.

    But deep down inside there is this longing to connect to have that one special someone who can truly know who I am and what I need and desire and be able to touch that place and reciprocate and find that co-mingling that unites true love not that which takes but rather that which gives where we truly want to give back and the relationship grows out of that.

    Giving becomes the way rather than taking. Love flourishes there, love knows no bounds there. That is what all of us want. But in truth until we are ready to be real with our true self and stop hiding behind lies and deceptions we will never find that place.

    We must break away from fear we must loose all sense of self to find that place. We must be transparent, honest and who we really are with all of our flaws and imperfections which in fact all of us have and then love each other until the creator can make us whole through wisdom and knowledge of who we were truly meant to be.

    That is where there is freedom there is where salvation sings its song and there is where we find true love. Selah pause and reflect.

    Do we want truth or just the superficial?
    We must have truth in our inner parts.

  32. I enjoyed this so so so so so so much. Thank you for sharing. I love what women can do for each other even strangers thousands of miles away!

    Thank you <3

  33. yeah right… i’m sure you are with someone now. blah blah blah

  34. Lovely article!

  35. This was amazing, and not something that’s talked about often. Thank you so much for writing <3

  36. That touched me so deep. Because I know what you write… 4 years now for me… Love & Light to you