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How I Found My Soul Mate on the Road

Zipolite

 

I woke to the sound of the waves crashing as sunlight spilled into my thatched roof cabana. Tangled up in soft, clean white sheets I can see the morning surfers paddling into the ocean from my bed. And all I can do is smile.

 

Zipolite

 

Though it’s more than the view that soothes me this morning. It’s knowing that I’ve woken up on my honeymoon with the person I love more than anything in the world. It’s the feeling that after searching for most of my life, I’ve finally found my soul mate.

 

Zipolite

 

I walk down to the shoreline, and cradle myself in the shady nook of a giant boulder. Waves intermittently drown me with spray as they crash against the precipice of the rock. There’s nothing tranquil about this ocean, and yet, I feel entirely at peace. And why shouldn’t I? I’m on my honeymoon with my soul mate.

 

Zipolite

 

A song comes to my mind and I start to sing,

“How did I end up here?

How did IIIIII end up here?

How did I end up here?”

 

Zipolite

 

‘Cause really, on the outside, nothing has changed. I still stand five feet three inches tall and carry most of my weight in my bum. I still write a blog called This American Girl. I still call Costa Rica’s Caribbean my home. I still love yoga and reggae and green smoothies and ecstatic dance and talking about the moon and the stars. I still travel more than I sit still. I’m still single. I’m still traveling alone.

 

Zipolite

 

Only today, I happen to be in Zipolite, Oaxaca, Mexico.

And on the inside I do feel different. So different.

 

Zipolite

 

Despite traveling on my own for the past four years and learning to love spending time alone, there has always been a man in the background. Or at least a longing for one. Some of you know the story of my life before travel, how I was always in a committed relationship despite the unhappiness I felt within them.

 

Zipolite

 

As I began to travel intrepidly across the globe, I still found men to cling to, even if I physically said goodbye. They all carried the common thread of being emotionally (sometimes physically) unavailable. And I felt the same thing with each of them: insecure and inadequate.

 

Zipolite

 

Interestingly, most of them worked in the same industry as me. I considered each of them to be far more successful than me, which meant I not only felt insufficient as the woman society expects me to be, I felt insufficient as the man society expects me to be. My achievements dwarfed in comparison to theirs and what I often felt proud of seemed embarrassing when I was with them.

 

The more I traveled, the more I asked myself, why do I always seek out and attract this archetype?

 

Zipolite

 

Don’t get me wrong, there have been many times where I’ve felt content on my own. But deep down, a part of me always longed for a man, whether he was from my past or someone I hadn’t met yet.

 

And I think what lay at the heart of it was the belief that I would never be physically, emotionally, or financially safe without him. Which actually makes complete sense. Because that’s precisely what masculinity does: it protects us and provides stability. If we feel that masculinity is lacking in our lives, why wouldn’t we feel insecure?

 

Zipolite

 

After an adolescence and adulthood of being feminine in every sense of the word, I realized that if I wanted to feel secure on my own, I needed to discover my own masculinity. After an adolescence and adulthood of searching for “the one,” I needed to become the man of my dreams. I needed to become my own soul mate. I needed to become “the one.”

 

Zipolite

 

Admittedly, I didn’t really know what that meant. I grew up in a household with all women, never played sports, and I have always loved purple and crystals and unicorns. So I looked to the heart of masculinity to show me the way.

 

No, I didn’t start wearing a cup or killing animals.

 

Zipolite

 

I began to understand masculinity as the yang to the feminine yin. As the sun to the moon. As fire to water. As the force that ensures physical, emotional, and financial protection. As the ground that holds space for the flower to blossom.

 

Zipolite

 

I started by becoming the boss of my business. Taking myself seriously on paper. Getting financially stable. And once I made that decision, I did. At lightening speed. Just like a man.

 

After two years of living gig to gig out of my backpack on a shoestring, finally having money that I had earned through my own blood sweat and tears felt so damn good. I wasn’t relying on a corporation or a tourism board or a client or a sponsorship. I was relying completely on myself.

 

Zipolite

 

I could afford to live exactly how I wanted without sacrificing my happiness or integrity. I achieved what I once thought impossible by sharing more of my heart with others and accepting that I deserve abundance.

 

I felt strong and stable, but I still longed for a man.

 

Zipolite

 

So I gave myself the love that I thought only a man could give me. Sex. With the pace and rhythm and duration that only I wanted. And when I was done I held myself and told myself all of the things that I always wished a man would have said after.

 

Zipolite

 

Call me brash, but I’m sharing this with you because I feel it’s one of the most spectacularly healing practices I’ve ever done. As someone who had previously only masturbated a few times in her life, I was shocked that I had withheld physical love from myself for so long. Men are almost expected to pleasure themselves daily, so why couldn’t I?

 

Why feel shame or blame or embarrassment, when you can just feel good?

 

Zipolite

 

And I began to feel so good, that I was able to help others feel good too.

 

I started hosting women’s circles at my house, offering a safe space to share and explore femininity through songs, oracle cards, and general silliness. Eventually I became strong enough to hold space for seven women for seven days on my very first yoga retreat. I watched seven beautiful women blossom around me. Just like a big strong man.

 

Zipolite

 

The more connected I became with my own masculine energy, the safer my feminine side felt in showing herself too. My practice became not only being the man of my dreams, but loving my sweet soft woman the way that she has always wanted to be loved.

 

Zipolite

 

A huge source of inspiration for me was the psychic channel Matt Kahn who teaches what he calls “The Love Revolution.” Which is essentially telling yourself “I love you” as often as possible. Using the words “I love you,” as the remedy for any situation. And loving all of the parts of yourself and others that you’ve previously judged.

 

Zipolite

 

On my morning beach walks, I would place my hand on my heart and I would sing,

“Because I love you so much. Because I love you so much, so much, so much. Because I love you so much, with all of my heart. Hey a nah hey nay oh aye.”

 

Zipolite

 

I would cradle myself in fetal pose in bed at night and say, “I love you.” I would look at myself in the mirror and say, “I love you sweet angel.” I would have a bad mood or feel triggered or depressed and I would say, “That’s ok babe, I’m still here to love you. Thank you for showing me where I still need to love you.” I would feel the urge for a man from my past and I would giggle and say, “Aw, honey, you know you don’t really want that. But it’s ok, I’ll love you so that you can remember.”

 

Zipolite

 

I looked at my body that I’ve spent my life judging and even when I wanted to judge it I would say, “I love you. Thank you. You are beautiful.” Then one morning I finally had an intervention with my ego and said, “Look what an easy body I gave you! How can you not see how beautiful you are? Can you stop trying to be perfect and just see me and love me?”

 

Zipolite

 

Afterwards I looked into the mirror and I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. I laughed that someone so beautiful could judge herself for being ugly.

 

Every day I was falling in love with myself more and more.

 

Zipolite

 

But my soul doesn’t like to sit still. It likes to grow and it likes to evolve. It likes to press all of my buttons until I wake up in a newer, juicier, yummier, reality. So last week it decided to trigger me again. To remind me that I’ve still got more to love.

 

Zipolite

 

A few days after I landed in Mexico, I received an unexpected message. From someone who reflected back to me, through sarcasm and superiority, so many parts of myself that I still need to love. It’s been almost two years since I saw him and I still harbor feelings for him, despite how insecure I once felt in his presence.

 

Zipolite

 

So when he told me that he was coming to Mexico, I felt some anxiety brewing. I wanted to see him despite knowing that it wouldn’t be good for me. I knew that it was an opportunity to simply remember to love myself more, but I really just wanted for him to love me more.

 

Zipolite

 

The feelings of inadequacy crept in again. Thinking that he was better than me. Thinking that my life and work is futile. My inner male felt emasculated. And as a woman I felt like I wasn’t beautiful or lovable.

 

Zipolite

 

But then these words came to soothe me,

“You are here to love yourself like no one ever has, and everyone, whether they love you or hurt you, is simply here to remind you.”

 

Zipolite

 

So I offered pure kindness without shame or blame to that lovely (which he is) asshole (which he can be). I loved him through his cynicism with compliments. I chose to be love instead of superior. Who knows if it touched him, but I liberated myself in the process.

 

Then I took his sweet bee-sting reminder to heart. I loved myself like he, and all of the other men over the years, never did.

 

Zipolite

 

I splurged on a two hour deep tissue massage and I took myself out for a romantic candlelit dinner on the beach. With my sandy feet propped on the table I watched the stars overhead shine bright like fireflies. I looked around at my reality. One that I had worked for, paid for, and had the bravery to pursue, all on my own.

 

And then, I took myself to bed, in a beautiful romantic cabana right on the beach.

 

Zipolite

 

In a state of absolute bliss and relaxation, I had a thought…

 

The more you love yourself and others with all of your being, and the more you share your joy with the world, the more beautiful everything around you becomes. Until one day, you wake up in paradise with the love of your life.

 

Zipolite

 

This morning, sitting on the beach gazing out at the ocean, in paradise, the same song comes to me again. But this time, I remember the second part.

 

So I sing,

“This is how, you got here.

This is how, you got here.

This is how, you got here.”

 

Listen to the whole song here.

 


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Comments

  1. This is so beautifully and touched me very, very deeply. Thank you so much for sharing!

  2. Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Really, Camille?

  3. Great post! I love the little bits about self-masturbation. I literally laughed out loud! You are a wonderful, beautiful person. :)

  4. Hahaha, Camille, at first I thought “Oh no, please, not that”! But then I was relieved reading what it’s all about. You know what they say: “I’ve been a single for a while now, and it’s working out… I think I’m the one” 😉 Cheers girl, keep up the good work!

  5. THIS: I would feel the urge for a man from my past and I would giggle and say, “Aw, honey, you know you don’t really want that. But it’s ok, I’ll love you so that you can remember.”

    I needed that reminder today. Thank’s lady <3

  6. You are amazing. xo

  7. Beautiful post as usual, congrats for you.

  8. starlight! keep shining angel xxx
    the love revolution <3

  9. I love your blog more than most as you combine travel (with great tips and photos) with very honest, heart-felt, real time thoughts and feelings. You are one fucking brave woman in more ways than three!

  10. I always enjoy your posts. This one in particular touched me, not because I feel I need a man in my life. I am married. But because for quite a long while now I have not been taking care let alone loving myself and have just recently discovered how very important that is not only for myself but to everyone close to me. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing your wisdom. Your self confidence and determination are so inspiring. Hugs to you.

    • Camille Willemain Says: November 11, 2015 at 2:38 pm

      Thank you sweet Carol. Yes, yes, yes. Single and in partnership we always need to love ourselves until we overflow with love to offer to others. Un abrazo muy grande para ti xoxo

  11. Reading this was like watching a TV series on its finale – Is there a twist?! You’re so adorable :)

  12. Beautiful Camille! Love following along on your journey. Seems like more layers are being peeled back for an even better reality to emerge. I’m happy you’ve found the one 😉

  13. You are amazing!

  14. This is such a beautiful post. You are very unique. I wish I had a friend like you. I am married, with one child, and I find your posts very inspiring, original and feminine. I find myself very masculine, need to meet my feminine side, should that make any sense. All the best!

    • Camille Willemain Says: November 11, 2015 at 2:41 pm

      Hey sweetie thank you. To connect with more women and get more in touch with your divine feminine, I recommend seeking out women’s circles in your area. I’m so blessed to have a community of women in Costa Rica who I can come together with for moon ceremonies, cacao ceremonies, singing circles, etc :)

  15. You have an amazing gift to write in a way people can relate to! So many times when reading your posts, I thought: OMG, that’s exactly my pain point! This time particularly talking about seeking guys we tend to adore and never feel we deserve and who only make us unhappy. After all, we girls have so much in common, right? 😉 Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Keep enjoying the honeymoon with your soulmate!! :)

  16. This is beautifully written, beautifully illustrated with your pictures, and made me laugh. Your posts always inspire me.

  17. Beautiful Camille, I am fairly new to your work, but am loving the depth with which you communicate. Thank you xx

  18. “The more you love yourself and others with all of your being, and the more you share your joy with the world, the more beautiful everything around you becomes. Until one day, you wake up in paradise with the love of your life.” I swear this is a life changing paragraph. My new mantra!

    • Camille Willemain Says: November 11, 2015 at 4:20 pm

      Thank you sweetie!! You’re right, i should print that somewhere 😉 So happy to hear it touched you!! xoxo

  19. Oh I loveeee this! So true I’ve always felt soo happy and free being single and only in the last couple of years started the self-love process but sometimes I need reminders to keep it up and this was definitely one of those :) perfect timing xxx

  20. I love reading your post every word I can feel it such a touching piece.I used to crave and probably beg for love and attention but these past years I learn to reconnect and love myself more than I used to. Thanks for always inspiring me and others.

  21. What a beautiful post and I love the spin you put on it. <3

    • Camille Willemain Says: November 12, 2015 at 7:47 am

      Thank you sweetie! Thank YOU for bringing to my awareness that I needed to find the soulmate from within with your amazing tarot spread back in the Summer. xoxo

  22. Hi Ms. Camille, I always enjoy reading your post…Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your honesty…inspiring as always :-)

  23. Very Very well described. Very touching. Loved your narration. Keep writing.

  24. Wow, it is truly beautiful. I must say I kind of expected you were talking about yourself (having read a lots of your posts) but the progression of the story was perfect, deep and as always very authentic : thank you

  25. Love this! I’ve been single for YEARS and often think, “If I could find someone sort of like me…” Silly, right?

    BTW, I love your blog and have been lurking for years. It’s one of the reasons that I visited Puerto Viejo in 2013 and will be returning next month.

  26. What a beautiful post! Thanks for sharing with the world.

  27. Hi Camille,
    I just started to read your lovely blog and I am inspired by your travels.
    I am a healer and just want to say that for women to have their highest self to be realised in personal relationships, they must be “complete” with their father; if not meaning they will spend their lives in negative relationships going round in circles, repeating the pattern over and over. Knowing something is not right, but can’t quite put their finger on it as it is in their subconscious mind an out of their awareness. Like a bitterfly never learns how to fly when that is what a butterfly is created to do.
    I see it all the time and it is heartbreaking to watch. For the pattern to be broken, they need to come to a place of peace of their father-forgiveness, acceptance, whatever- to let any issues go.
    For men it is the same with their mother, and what also happens is they unconsciously seek out a partner with the same issue like a magnet. And the pattern will go on for life if not resolved.
    This is why relationships are so messed up as people play out this wounding trying to express their truth as love, but it is muddy and distorted by the past.
    Then when it is cleared, it is like living from a clear, joyful space and suddenly the door is unlocked to real love that is healthy, and fufillment and your own power is achieved. I know because I used to be like that. Just check in and see if this rings true. Peace.x

  28. There are things that come to you at the perfect moment and this post and all of it’s reminders are one of them. Thank you Camille for letting yourself be vulnerable enough to help and touch others 💜. The parts about sometimes longing for a man from your past and reminding yourself that’s not what you really want and loving yourself instead are spot on for me right now and learning to let them go . Making love to yourself is absolutely a healing practice and reminds you of your own love and what you are capable of , also surprised myself it found me so long to find it and let go of the feeling around it. Thank you and I hope you’re loving Mexico and having a great time ☀️

    • Camille Willemain Says: November 14, 2015 at 6:04 pm

      Thank you so much Anna I really appreciate your comment. We all need to be reminded to love ourselves more, all of the time. And that goes for me too! Sometimes I go back and read my own posts later to remind myself :)

  29. This is beautiful, although I found the title worrying at first!

    Now I am no longer worried by the title. What worries me is the fact that not a single comment on this page originates by a male.

    Congratulations for finding the only soul mate there is to find out there.

    You are worthy of love even though you are not perfect. The men you love or lust for, they are not perfect either, even though you love them.

    • Camille Willemain Says: November 14, 2015 at 6:05 pm

      Thank you, yes that’s interesting… I did have men comment on the FB post, but not sure why none on the actual blog post… maybe they can’t relate?

  30. Lovely post! All women could use a little more words of wisdom like these.
    Such a wonderful blog! Very glad to have stumbled upon it!! xoxo

  31. Congratulations! I’ve found love on the road before and hope to find it again.

  32. I love this post! I am happily married to a man who loves me and treats me better than I’ve ever treated myself, but I just recently started my own journey of self-love! I started telling my body and soul how much I love them, apologizing for past harm and feeling grateful for all they’ve done for me. A few weeks ago I started saying “i love you” to any things that cropped up that I didn’t like (and whatever I like as well), just trying to respond with love in every situation. I am finding that whenever I respond poorly, I am not loving myself. And the more I love myself the more love I feel towards the world! I had no idea that there was another level of love to feel! I grew up believing that we had to sacrifice ourselves in order to be loving but for me that’s just not the case. I love this post!!! Thank you for sharing, you are amazing!

  33. Two words: You Rock. Women need this! Women need to hear this everyday and love themselves unconditionally. I’m gonna be talking to myself in the mirror a lot starting from today! Bring on the love! Have you read the book ‘cunt’? It backs up a lot about what you’re saying!

    • Camille Willemain Says: November 30, 2015 at 10:14 am

      Thank you thank you thank I have no read it but I will check it out :) And thank you for spreading the love sweet sister.

  34. Thank you for writing this! I’ve heard such misguided interpretations of the yin and the yang that essentially use it to prove that every woman needs a man… But it’s all about personal balance. Loving yourself unconditionally is probably the best thing you can do. Wishing you many more happy honeymoons!

  35. Great piece! Nothing wrong with a wank now and then !

  36. Another master piece sweetie.

    You speak the truth of life :)

  37. […] that women miss though is that you need to love yourself first. Know who you are, what you need and respect yourself to high heaven before you even think about bringing someone else into the picture. I’m 31. I love myself. […]

  38. “It’s knowing that I’ve woken up on my honeymoon with the person I love more than anything in the world.” – I instantly starting sobbing. I’m so moved!!!

    Preparing to begin my first ever indefinite solo travels to the Costa Rican Caribbean and this entry hit home for me so very much. I can’t thank you enough for sharing! It takes such strength to just take that step to stop hiding from and open your eyes to your own hindering patterns, but then to share them with strangers in hopes that your experiences will resonate & be a resource for others… so brave and generous! I feel deep gratitude and inspiration from all that I’ve read by you so far and want to thank you for guiding me towards feeling – and being – the strong traveling woman that I so badly want to be. I’ve recently become very aware of my tendency to rely on men to keep me safe and take care of me because I haven’t believed that I’m able to take care of myself. However, I want and require more for myself and love the idea of becoming my own man! The provider, the emotional supporter, the fixer of bikes, the logical one… Becoming these things for myself is exactly what I’ve been searching for and I finally see it! So helpful to have it put the way you have. Camille, you are a goddess and I thank you so much for compiling so much wisdom into one adorable, funny and inspiring website. I’m so glad to have found you & perhaps I’ll see you at OM in Puerto Viejo!

    Xo,
    Megan

    • Camille Willemain Says: May 24, 2016 at 11:41 am

      Thank you so much Megan that means a lot!!! I wish you infinite blessings on your journey. <3

  39. […] How I Found My Soulmate on the Road […]

  40. […] I started loving myself as intensely as I had ever loved a man. And not in the detached meditative way like I had in my yoga teacher training where I found bliss laying on a wooden floor after two hours of yoga. In the erotic physical emotional way like Radha loved Krishna, where every waking moment is an opportunity for nirvana. ‘Cause clearly, that’s what I was constantly seeking in the face of every man I loved. (Read more in my post How I Found My Soul Mate on the Road.) […]

  41. Beautifully written. I too have been nomadic for quite some time and long for intimate companionship, but it sure it difficult to find when you’re always on the move. While I agree with much of what you wrote, it sure is more fun with someone else to share it all with.

  42. […] feeling extreme bliss on what I considered “my honeymoon” in Zipolite, I felt an opposing emotion when I got to the nearby beach town Mazunte. For the […]

  43. […] The teacher who brings me back to that key intention in the most loving way possible, is a man named Matt Kahn. Watch his video about Soul Mates and Twin Flames for deeply moving guidance on learning to love yourself and check out my post How I Found My Soulmate on the Road. […]

  44. […] and couldn’t imagine wanting anyone else. […]